Spoofing Lyrics

   I was taking a walk last night when I came across a bunch of girls singing “Beautiful Girls” – Jojo’s version – while drunk.  I was just taking a walk, which means I was not drunk, so my senses are not impaired by alcohol.  They didn’t look beautiful at all: you can’t throw on tube tops and mini-shorts on a bunch of inebriated girls and make beautiful people out of them.  Had they been whores, they weren’t worth the P500 in my pocket even if they had crab lice, chronic yeast infections, and vaginal boils.

   Besides, I am irritated by that song.  So here goes:

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You really look like a boy
That’s why it will never work
I’ll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over
Damn you ain’t beautiful, girl
You really really look like dirt
I’ll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over

I remember when
I was hanging out with friends
That’s when I caught your eye
I thought you looked like a big fly
Right then I wished that you would get away from me

No I didn’t ask for game
And I don’t wanna know your name
I would hang you from a chain
Bet you wanna do the same
Something tells me you sniff paint thinner

You are so easy to find
Girl I’m really not that blind
Oh I could use some wine
Knowing that you look like swine
Tonight you look this way
Tomorrow you’ll stay that way

You really get me annoyed
That’s why it will never work
I’ll get you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over
Damn you ain’t beautiful, girl
You really really smell like dirt
I’ll get you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over

Don’t even call me
Don’t leave messages for me
Was it your kind of ugly
That is the scab on my knee
Girl you look like a man
You got me in confusion

Don’t take me to the floor
‘Coz you remind me of a whore
And that was my queue to go
So I hit the door
I let you hot
With your body burning in an inferno

You are so easy to find
Girl I’m really not that blind
Oh I could use some wine
Knowing that you look like swine
Tonight you look this way
Tomorrow you’ll stay that way

I really started to hurl
That’s why it will never work
I’ll get you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over
Damn you ain’t beautiful, girl
You even really feel like dirt
I’ll get you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over

Now a couple months have passed
And I still don’t know it lasts
Oh everybody asked
How I saw a girl like that
But I should have really known
That memories last forever

You messed up my mind
When I saw you last time
But I was never that surprised
That the cancer in your eyes
And the herpes in your lips
Will stay there forever

You really turned me to stone
That’s why it will never work
I’ll get you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over
Damn you ain’t beautiful, girl
I want to bury you in dirt
I’ll get you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over

Ego Songs

   In the spirit of sending the emo genre to hell, I have an alternative: “ego.”  This is when you take the usual love song and sing it in the first person.  Since I’m lazy today after a dental procedure that involved analgesic, I’m posting some of these “transformed” lyrics, albeit just snippets of them.  Enjoy.

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Example 1: I find that “I Make Love To You” by Boyz II Men can be transformed into a perfectly good S&M song…

Girl relax, take it slow
You ain’t got nowhere to go
You’re gonna concentrate on me
Girl are you ready, it’s gonna be a long night

Throw my clothes on the floor
And you’ll take my clothes off too
You made plans to be with me
Girl whatever I ask I know that you’ll do

You’ll make love to me
Like I want you to
And you’ll hold me tight
Baby all through the night
You’ll make love to me
When I want you to
And you will not let go
Till I tell you to…

Example 2.  Like me, and if you’re a guy, you’re probably annoyed with Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls.”  Probably because your girlfriend is singing it.  Here’s the ego version.

I am too beautiful, girl
That’s why it will never work
I’ll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over
Damn all you beautiful girls
I only wanna do you dirt
I’ll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over…

Example 3.  Tamia’s “Officially Missing You” is the song of heartbroken fools who think they can’t get over their past relationships.  Maybe if we tweak it a bit…

All you do is lay around
Two ears full of tears
From looking at my face on the wall
Just a week ago I was your baby
Now you don’t even know me now
Don’t know me at all
Well you wish that I would call you right now
So that you could get through to me somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say, baby
Safe to say
That you (that you)
You’re officially missing me

Ooooh, can’t nobody do it like me
Said every little thing I did
Hey baby it stays on your mind
And you (and you)
You’re officially…

Example 3.  “Dreaming of You” by Selena is romantic and all, but it can be the perfect song for an egomaniac…

Late at night when all the world’s sleeping
You stay up to think of me
And you wish on a star
That somewhere I am thinking of you too

‘Coz you’re dreaming of me tonight
‘Till tomorrow you’ll be holding me tight
And there’s nowhere in the world you’d rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me…

Example 4.  Because James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” is, well, pitiful, it is necessary to make an ego-boosting song out of it…

Yes I caught your eye
As I walked on by
I can see from your face that you were
Fuckin’ high
And you don’t think that you’ll see me again
But we shared a moment that will last ’till the end

I’m beautiful
I’m beautiful
I’m beautiful, it’s true
You saw my face on a crowded place
And you don’t know what to do
‘Coz I’ll never be with you

Example 5: Emo – the musical genre sang and lived by animal food trough wipers – is best represented by Fall Out Boy.  In “A Little Less Sixteen Candles,” I find opportunities to make it right for self-mutilating manic-depressive feces from the rectal cavities of baboons…

You confess, you’re just messed up
Dropping “I’m sorry’s” like I’m still around
And you know I dressed up
Said, “Hey kid, you’ll never live this down”

And I’m just the boy all the girls want to dance with
And you’re just the girl who’s had too many chances