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There are two things I like: odd news and schadenfreude.

GMANews.TV reports that last Wednesday, a couple became the talk of the town because of a documented case of penis captivus. You usually read about this malady on humor sites, or you probably watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, or you probably saw two dogs literally stuck to each other after the whole hump is over.  Sophomoric, crude sources of humor?  Probably, but it’s damn sure funny.

I’m sure that it’s not funny for any guy to have his penis literally clamped by the vagina of his kerida (hey, that rhymed)… although I’m betting that some guys wouldn’t really mind being stuck in sex for hours on end, never mind that the end we’re talking about is buried in a woman’s private parts.  It did get me thinking, though, about how these things lend themselves too well for borderline tasteless, gross, and vulgar humor.

So if you’re sensitive or what, if you don’t know what satire is, or if you just keep tossing it around like salads (or a used condom) stop reading right about now.

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He styles himself as “The Chairman.”  Following Mao, perhaps, or that voiceover dude from “Iron Chef” whose memory always serves him correctly.  The edifice at Orense Street stands as a monument to his slogan of “Metro Gwapo,” with footbridges and road barricades and urinals standing as mini-monuments to the magnificence – or perhaps the maleficence – of Bayani Fernando.  The Metro Manila Development Authority, at least in my eyes, is The Chairman’s sandbox for urban development; where an elevated U-turn will do no harm, and devoting entire lanes of EDSA to the sheer influx of provincial and colorum and extended-franchise buses will solve traffic.

A sandbox.  A game; to be exact, the Games of the Chairman.

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I love theater, but I can’t act and I certainly can’t sing.  I didn’t participate in the theater group back in college, but I did pay my thespic dues in high school.  Whether it was a rambling Shylock in The Merchant of Venice, or a ghostly (and ghastly) narrator in a Greek gods pageant, there was no escaping the English class play.  If writing and directing the musical version of Prometheus Bound wasn’t enough, I had to play one of the vultures who ate the Titan’s liver as well.  Yet enough was enough for our West Side Story presentation: I already rewrote the script and helped direct the first acts of the play.  So I guess I can’t be blamed for having to balk on taking on the role of Lieutenant Schrank.

Yet in this age of emos and gangstas, a feud between the Jets and the Sharks with all the singing and dancing in the streets of New York would probably fizzle.  Like Glad Hand’s hosting talents, or the “soda fountains” at Doc’s store.  Heck, kids today probably wouldn’t have heard of West Side Story. This is a shame, since theater’s value is somehow taking a blow in favor of IMAX, pseudo-IMAX, and DVD reproductions.

It got me thinking about plays in general.  RENT, for example, was (among others) a modern take on Puccini’s La Boheme, although it was more that changing tuberculosis with AIDS and adding a queer element to the more modern setting.  Heck, West Side Story itself was a very modern take on (among others) Romeo and Juliet. Yet rather than make something that looks like Jim Libiran’s Tribu in a musical setting, we need to be faithful to the original Sondheim/Bernstein/Laurents collaboration, and make something Filipino out of it.

Street gangstas.  Crips and Bloods.  Wes-Side Story. No, not translated versions of “Maria” or “America,” much less doing things along “When you’re a Crip, you’re a Crip all the way.”  I’m talking musical hip-hop gangland theater… I’m sure that’s been done before, but fruits on that, here’s a crazy idea that just might work.

I think I’ll have to set aside these manuscripts for this… aw hell, I can multitask. Although I’m sure the mazakeriztas and true gangstas somewhere there would probably be interested in rapping their way to a WSS-inspired musical.

To paraphrase Wilfred Owen: “My friends, you would not tell with such high zest, to fans ardent for that desperate glory / The Old Lie; Dulce et decorum est, pro Stefano Mori.”

I’ve been getting quite a lot of comments and e-mails from that Stefano Mori entry I wrote some months back, most of whom are from Borj fangirls. If I were a mega-SEO ratings-happy blogger, I would take consolation in being number #12 on a Google search for “Stefano Mori.” Heck, I’m #1 on a Google image search for “Stefano Mori.” That has to count for something, right? See, there is a market for #stefanomori.

Nobody’s looking for Red Sternberg or Bojo Molina, and everybody misses Rico Yan. Yet in terms of “disappearing acts” in Pinoy showbiz, nobody – and I mean nobody – can top the public demand for the return of Stefano Umberto Mori.

I suppose I’m better off wasting weekend petiks resources on uncovering the whereabouts of Amanda Page, but the fans must not be disappointed.

We all know that Stefano is one-third of JCS with John Prats and Carlo Aquino, but while John and Carlo have been enjoying their runs with showbiz, it seems that Stefano just disappeared from the limelight. Stefano’s last appearance was in 2002′s “I Think I’m In Love,” opposite Joyce Jimenez and Piolo Pascual (his tandem was Nancy Castiglione, I think), and was never heard from again. Unless, of course, someone brings up his name during a conversation.

Some theories have been brought up on the whereabouts of Stefano:

• Some showbiz pundits have pointed out that one of the things that may have contributed to Stefano’s “vanishing” from showbiz was his lack of marketability (although there are many Roni-Borj fans out there).
• Many jokes have been made at the expense of Stefano Mori’s talent.
• Many jokes have been made at the expense of Stefano Mori’s nose.

I sifted through a bunch of Facebook profiles (facepalm, it’s like… stalking or something) and found out that Stefano is now based in Texas. Post-showbiz life? Making other career and life options outside of the volatile world of showbiz? Or is this just a way to heighten the anticipation for his return. Or for the G-Mik reunion. You never know.

I take back everything I said about Stefano’s comeback making as much of a small ripple as it would if Dranreb Belleza or Jovit Moya would make their return. If the tone of the responses are to be believed (and they should), the return of Stefano Mori would be THE showbiz comeback of the year.

So here’s a public appeal to Ton-Ton… I mean, Stefano Mori. Your legions of fans are eagerly anticipating your return to showbiz. I can see it now: the return of JCS, autograph signings, being cast as the son of Christopher de Leon in a soap opera, movie deals, FAMAS. I’m highly doubtful about sex scandals, although I’m betting on tons of media mileage.

Would Stefano make his return, seven years after his last appearance on TV? We never know. At least I’ve been having more luck with that than, say, looking for the whereabouts of one Jograd dela Torre.

So I was watching that video from that 1981 Lito Lapid hit “San Basilio,” and I figured that all the commitments made at AkoMismo – sincere and patriotic as they are – are small fry.  See, if this country will ever have progress, we all need to  be Julio Valiente.  All these small-fry promises we’ll make will not change this country and put us in first world status by 2020.  The way I see it, we should stop looking at “little things we can do.”  Guys, little things suck and blow at the same time.  Let’s look at big, action-packed things that involve us being proactive.

We need to look at the shit, yo.

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