I’m not a guy who would review movies solely on the basis of a trailer.  Other bloggers have already done that, and are quite good at the nuances of prejudice masquerading as a review of cultural outputs.  Rather, think of this as a review of a trailer.

I have to admit that I haven’t watched a fair share of Filipino movies lately.  The last one I can remember watching was “Rigodon,” which was okay if not for the predictable turn of events (and Yam Concepcion, of course).  But then again, anyone who says “Pinoy movies are not worth watching” is, for all intents and purposes, eating his own crap in the process of talking out of his ass.  Lots of Pinoy movies are amazing: “Bwakaw” comes to mind.  “Temptation Island,” while lacking in some respects compared to the original, is a good movie.  I haven’t watched “Six Degrees of Lilia Cuntapay” or “Ang Nawawala” yet, but I’ve heard great things about the movies that I’d shell out for original copies of the DVDs.  Not to mention that “Himala” was remastered.

In spite of the wealth of good movies that we have, the Vice Ganda comedies and installments of Enteng Kabisote make millions of pesos in the cinemas.  I’ll probably be the last person to fall in line to spend an hour and a half to be narcotized by escapist pop cinema, but lots of people seem to enjoy them, nonetheless.  I’ll leave it at that, for more qualified people to talk at length about the topic.

This is, however, a piece on idiotic trailers for very probably idiotic movies like “Pinoy Super Kid.”

One: the movie stars the Mark Lapid.  I still maintain that no other actor could have delivered that “saging lang ang may puso” line with more conviction than he did: not John Lloyd Cruz, not Baron Geisler, not that Sir Chief guy on TV that housewives are all going gaga about.

Two: the movie stars Amay Bisaya.  One can forgive the former chicken-beheading political hopeful for referring to himself as “Barok Ob-Amay” at one point in his numerous attempts at running for public office.  This guy stars in the same movie that Mon Confiado stars in.  Mon Confiado – a guy, THE guy, who has starred alongside David Hasselhoff.

Three: the voiceover guy in the trailer reminds you so much of that guy who voiced over the commercial breaks for “Blow By Blow” back in the 90s.  The actual match, for one, and interstitial for everything from Thunderbird chicken feed to Encarnacion Bechaves flowers to 3D Rota-Aire and Kyowa rice dispensers and what-have-you.

To add insult to injury, four: this movie trailer prominently features Robert Miller (probably the Pinoy Danny Trejo) pissing on the face of a child actor.  That’s right: pissing on the face of a child actor, complete with the requisite shivering.  I’ve seen a striptease to the tune of Boyzone’s “No Matter What” on a movie trailer at one point in my life, and I thought it can’t get worse than that.  And here we are, at perhaps the lowest point of Filipino movie… trailers.

More insult: the crappy English accent all throughout this movie… trailer.

Then it becomes evident that this isn’t just any movie trailer.  This is a movie that stars Catanduanes “Bays Gavenor” Jose Teves, Jr.  This is a movie that could have reunited Amay with Erap but no, the list of actors has to include a guy running for reelection in his province.  (This was shown before Teves withdrew from running for a higher seat, I believe.)

And so it goes for the unusually crappy movie… trailer that isn’t there to achieve some cinematic goal or showcase talents or perhaps to make money, but as placeholders for politicians, low-rate actors, and politicians trying to be low-rate actors.  And no, I’m not even talking about the “historical epics” that kill our heroes all over again.  Or one of those “mistress” movies.  Or at least in this movie… trailer, a boy scout turned into some zombie.

I’m talking about politicians and e-rate actors and e-rate actor-politicians who use avenues like the cinema to improve their public profile.  The inflated ego that thinks he is the next Piolo Pascual ready to grace the pinilakang fucking tabing.  What we do get: romantic montage scenes filmed in some public orchidarium in dire need of repair.  The “emotional scenes” that are, according to the voiceover guy, “Emotionally charge, THAT, you eben shed sam tirsh.”  Scenes of people accidentally pissing on the faces of children to elicit some laughter from people willing to settle for less because producers of garbage like this don’t give them more.

I’m not saying that Filipino cinema… trailers are bad.  We have a wealth of great movies, great actors, great directors.  I guess it’s a blame we all have to share: the filmmakers do not give us enough, and we do not demand enough.  If this is the kind of garbage that the makers of “Pinoy Super Kid” would require kids to watch or the public to pay a cool P150 for, then we should allow this film and its studio to die a natural death because we deserve better.  We deserve better movies, or at the very least, better trailers.  We deserve better cinema, so we should watch better cinema.

Because this isn’t cinema: it’s politics.  This isn’t art, it’s tripe.  This isn’t super, it’s suffering.  And in the case of things like these yes, we should judge the book by its cover, and the movie by its trailer.