The big idea for Freshman Masculine Wash is simple: if there’s shampoo for your hair and toothpaste for your teeth, then there must be something for your intimate areas (the word “pototoy” makes bad copy). A pH-balanced manoy, coupled with the fresh scent of tea tree oil (for whatever it’s worth), apparently gives you that cool and fresh feeling as “she.” I doubt if the same feeling can be achieved by splashing tea tree Eskinol – or Gilbey’s Premium Strength, on one’s tarugo, but a titi smelling like a tea tree (good grief) would probably be in vogue once Freshman becomes acceptable and quite ordinary.
It didn’t fly (no pun intended) with Penifresh, but once you get the hang (again, no pun intended) of shower gels formulated and manufactured exclusively for your crotch, then Freshman may be for you. Who wouldn’t want a cool, refreshed, moisturized, bacteria-free manly intimate area?
Surely there’s a market for Freshman: there’s probably research out there that justifies the existence of the product, like Blackberry devices and TENGA Onacups. Like, 94% of men want a Lactacyd to call their own: after all, numbers don’t lie. We wanted fully-functional email and push messaging on our cellphones and close-to-the-real-thing masturbation, but we have yet to see a product that gives us both. Such is the way of economics: innovation either supplies a demand, or creates it. Think pearl shakes (once more, no pun intended).
Or maybe they want to replicate the habits of a particular peoples (I’m not sure if it’s Hindus or Native Americans) who dunked their testicles in cold water to promote testicular health and virility… I read that somewhere.
A friend of mine over at Facebook says that it’s about time something like this existed for guys. I don’t really know: I’m part of that fraction of the population who believes that a brisk and vigorous washing with soap is enough to kill bacteria in your intimate area (the phrase doesn’t lend well to masculinity), and if you take the time to select underwear fabrics and styles you don’t have to go through manly kulob feeling. Coupled with hygienic sexual and urinary practices, guys don’t really need Freshman.
Yet we do, the manufacturers of Freshman claim: a three-minute lathering with their product can maintain a man’s pH levels (there was probably a litmus test here involving three men, Freshman, vinegar, water, and three strips of litmus paper) and give you a cool and fresh feeling. Those are things that are important to men: once you start foaming up the fandangle with Freshman, even bacon briefs will start smelling like tea tree cologne.
Of course, there’s the need to overintellectualize things so that this blog entry becomes properly situated as “commentary” (lol). Thorstein Veblen (a social theorist, but makes for an awesome penis name) lends a legacy to the idea of conspicuous consumption, where products are made and things are bought to meet ends of status, not necessarily utility. Surely there’s a usefulness for Freshman, but it’s not in the “clean penis;” it’s in the “clean and fresh as She” penis that wants menfolk to invest in a soap exclusive for their private parts. Even if soap and shower gels would give you a perfectly clean penis, it just isn’t enough: you need to care about pH balances, scent, tea tree, and cleansing agents for your pulsating python of love (yee-haw). Soon enough, someone out there may think you need a specialized instrument to clean the back of your scrotum. Who knows?
The thing I’m driving at (no pun intended) here is that Freshman isn’t “wrong;” I’d love to see this product succeed and see the day where I can confidently walk up to any pharmacist in the world and ask for a penis soap without shame. Growing pains (no pun intended), I guess, for a product that fills a created need: that if this world would be a better place if we all had clean crotch Colossi, fresh frigamajigs, and tallywhackers that smell of tea trees. So hooray for Freshman, more power for their makers, and in the meantime, I’ll muster up the courage to buy a bottle and write a proper, independent review.
* – Photo from the Freshman website.