For You (Screwed Up Tenses)
I sometimes wonder if I ever did make good on the promise I made to you some years back: I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Back then, I dreamed of that day when I’ll hold your hand when we walk that aisle, and the preacher proclaims us husband and wife. That will never happen, now that the man in my dream isn’t me. You’ve just been engaged, I heard. Letting you go long ago, I guess, has come full circle.
I’m sure he’s everything I was supposed to be, or you expected me to be, but owing to my stubbornness, I wasn’t. I never did become your perfect guy, even if you were the 100% perfect girl for me. We met at the same crossroads every now and then, and somehow there was always those feelings of highs and lows. “What could have been?” “What if it were us?” It never really happened. It was just my dream, perhaps even yours. I guess right now, I guess we were never meant for each other after all.
I ask myself: did I ever waste a day in my life, after all these years, convincing myself I was in love with you and you were in love with me? No, not really. I wept as loudly as you did, cried as many tears as you shed, and asked myself, “Does she love me?” as much as you asked, “Does he love me?” I guess we were never prepared to handle the big difference we chose to ignore because of whatever it is we felt. I was too in love with you to do anything at all, and you were not prepared to face a relationship with someone who’s too different from you. Things didn’t fall in place the way we wanted it to.
It took me years to let you go and, suffice to say, you and I have both moved on. Whatever path we walked on together has split up into two very different crossroads: you walk on your path, and I walk on mine. It’s that circumstance that made me break that promise, and I’m sure you’re much happier without me holding on at the end of your kite. I learned from mistakes that I’ll never repeat, oversights I’ll remember not to do ever again. I hope for the best, that your man holds your hand more steadfast, and yes, perhaps more often, than I ever did, at the very least. As you walk the aisle, I’ll walk away further from it. To my own aisle, to my own wedding, to the rest of my life with the woman I love. Things fell into place.
Things are different now. We lead very different lives, with very different environments, and live it with very different people. A far cry from years ago where we wept more than we laughed, where we fought more than we cared for each other. It wasn’t meant to be. It took a while for us to figure that out.
For the moment, the way things are, the way things fell into place, matters more than a past that has been lived over and over because I couldn’t let you go. I dreamed of that day when I’ll hold your hand when we walk that aisle, and the preacher proclaims us husband and wife. That will never happen, now that the woman in my dream isn’t you. It took a while, I guess. Letting you go long ago, I guess, has come full circle.
I can’t say I love you, but you’ll always have a very special place in my heart.