Ely Pamatong: A Spike to the Presidency
When it comes to lawyerly-ness, it’s hard to dispute the (self-proclaimed) credentials of Atty. Ely Pamatong. An “international laywer,” Ely Pamatong is, for all intents and purposes, better than notaries public who hold office in the corners of eateries, law students, paralegals, law professors, and average ordinary lawyers. Backed up by the Philippine-US Guerilla, this fine specimen of political will is poised to – once again – run for the highest office in the land.
Pamatong is not one to invoke survey ratings and motherhood statements, unlike his predecessors and competitors. Pamatong scored a 92% rating in the American Bar Exams, is a graduate of the University of the Philippines and Silliman University, and is an undefeated debater in his college years. He may not be a billionaire, but he has a brain.
Punyeta, wala ni isa sa inyo ang nakaisip nun. Wala kasi kayong mga utak!
Ladies and gentlemen, in the past months of pre-campaign campaigning, there was not a single presidentiable who has highlighted the importance of the brain – every lobe of it – in this exercise of democracy. It was all about the usual pipe dreams and canned phrases: platforms, the first 100 days, scandals, heart. Ely By-God Pamatong is driving a spike into this election season, and is running for the Presidency of the Philippines.
You see, when Spike Pamatong threw those caltrops in major roads in Manila years ago, he didn’t do it to annoy the masses. He was spreading a message. He wanted us to take a pause in the hurly-burly of our lives. He wanted to make a statement: a sharp wit is needed in the Presidency. We should stop taking these blunt expressions and demand a point from our our leaders. Platforms, programs, and whatever you do in your first 100 days do not reside in your corporeal, physical form. No one is born with a platform and an agenda, we all live for the now.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is the spirit of the Ely Pamatong candidacy. For once in our lives, let us vote for someone who makes a very explicit point: that he has a brain.
US statehood for the Philippines? Pamatong – with his brain – is out to resolve a centuries-old historical dilemma that has pervaded our cultural consciousness. It’s simple, really: if the seeds of Filipino destruction is sown by the Filipino himself, then we must revert back to our American masters and colonizers. A remedy that is well within reason, well within the strategy – not tactics, strategy – of improving our lot in lives that we might as well burn every single darned disgusting obsolete jeepney in the Philippines that the fires may glow as the 51st star in the flag of the United Goddamn States of Motherfreaking America.
(Ah-ahmmm. Cough. [Clears throat] ah-hurmmm. [Drinks water] Urhmm.)
The man is so intent on good governance and public administration that he will file disqualification charges against every single candidate without a platform. Begone with these motherhood statements. Away with these vague, non-detailed, irrelevant programs that will set us back 50 years into our progress towards American statehood. Respectable, intelligent platforms – platforms made with the benefit of a brain – should take center stage.
It is from the cortex of the brain that we grow a spine. That is what Ely Pamatong explicitly says he has. No other Presidential candidate has stepped forward to say that he or she has a brain. Is it because of fear? Insecurity? Or perhaps an absence of a brain? It’s time to bring the brains back into the operation. It’s time to spike this presidency up.
As he himself says:
If people with no money to launch a nationwide campaign are declared nuisance, then with more reason those who have no brains should be viewed as worse than nuisance in the eyes of the law.
Truer words have never been spoken by a guy who, in the face of national trimedia, makes an explicit statement in saying that he has a brain.
For all intents and purposes will be disqualified, but hey, he’ll always be a spike in my Google Analytics charts.
(Oh, and you have any more “nuisance candidates” for me, just lemme know, ayt? Cool!)