“November 1: I think I need to take it easier on myself.”
My tickler is full of reminders I give myself on red-letter holidays; reminders I don’t usually follow because I either forget, or I don’t follow my own advice. On my birthday, I reminded myself to quit smoking. Valentine’s Day, I reminded myself to take it easy on the drink. A friend had to lay it on me on this red-letter day: I take too much joy in self-mortification. It seems that I’m at my best when I’m depressed. Although it’s what she said afterward that really hit hard: what would I become at my worst?
It’s the first of November, and everywhere I see changes, mostly from my friends who are more than willing and able to change their lives for the better. A friend underwent surgery to lose weight. An acquaintance voluntarily entered a rehab program. Still another friend gave up her career to pursue her dreams of becoming a doctor. Oh sure, I’ve gone through many changes, but I still can’t stand to look at that face in the mirror.
Life has to mean more than the slow – if not sudden – progression towards death. I’m only 24 years old, but I put myself into perspective. I could very well be breathing with one lung. Maybe I’m metabolizing with one dysfunctional lobe of my liver. Maybe my eyes and nerves degenerating faster than what the doctors surmised; no thanks to every vice and addiction deemed acceptable by society. Maybe I am taking it too hard on myself at times. All the time.
That would have been okay, if only I highlight and underscore reasons to live life to the fullest, more than I do reasons to live it at its barest minimum. Life doesn’t stop short of reasons – and people who bear those reasons – for me to look forward to the next day.
In time, I think I’ll be able to give up a lot of the things that drag me down, pull myself back together, and set my life back into the straight and narrow. It’s a good thing I gave myself room to make as clean a slate as possible, where I can put my life back into order and make something of it. Maybe there’s an avenue where I can really try my very best at.
It’s November 1, where we usually remember the dead. I guess for now, I have to remember living.
Really, really liked this
Early quarter life crisis. Don’t worry things will get better. Hugz.
i haven’t been following all of your posts, but of all the ones i’ve read, this one seems to be the most earnest.
you do sound a bit like you’re whining, but you also sound like you’re challenging yourself… kudos to the latter. ^^
i tend to enjoy self-mortification myself, so i sort of know what you mean. it gets old pretty quickly; there’s only so much blame you can lay on yourself. sometimes you need to relax, loosen up a bit. it’s good that you took time out to reflect… it’s better that you have friends who are willing to drag you out of yourself.
i dunno why, but i remembered virginia woolf’s essay about that moth who struggled before dying. i guess this piece has some note of struggle in it somewhere… a struggle against entrenched habits? against stagnation? against lethargy? maybe i’m reading too much into it. in the end, i’m glad this isn’t a typical november 1 post. hooray for redemption (if you could call it that ^^).
Tina:
I like whining, LOL.
Anyway thanks for the positive response. I just despise long weekends for the reflection that’s in it.
so it’s official: you’re a whiner. *lol* kidding.
yeah, whining is fun. and wallowing, too. can’t indulge too much in either though. XD
Yep, whining is temporary. After you whine, you redeem.
“after you whine, you redeem.” i’ll remember that. ^^ quotable quote? hehe.
As always, great writing