Mechanical Animals

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NSFW.  Go away.

In Simulacra and Simulation, Jean Baudrillard (ka-ching) talked about how many of our experiences are reduced (or elevated) to simulated realities: the hyperreal.  Most of us understand this in terms of The Matrix and the Internet, but the best example of it is Disneyland.  Artificial joy, in more ways than one.  Modern society, with all its conveniences, has changed and reduced experiences and objects into stuff, that is to say, signs and symbols.

Of course this is all just a cop-out for NSFW… gadgetry.

A story at Gizmodo has taken “sex machine” to a whole new level.  Gentlemen, I bring you the Fleshlight Motion Machine:

I understand dildos and vibrators; if there’s anything we could look forward to in the age of cyborgs, it’s that we men will finally develop vibrating, perenially hard penises and women can do away with oscillating, priapic playthings.  I don’t know about fancy-looking footstools which simulate sexual intercourse.  The inflatable woman, phone sex, adult IRC channels – or heck, human hands – somehow do not compute and compete with the real thing.

So you make up something that comes close to the real thing: a mechanical footstool with all the resonance of a mechanical riding bull, put artificial vaginas on both ends, and start simulating stimulating sex.  Ah, but no, we men can’t have pocket-sized masturbatory aids.  We have… giant fuckin’ machines to do that for us.  It’s great for practicing half the positions of the Kamasutra, I guess.

Hey, you never know when your buddies are coming over to try your man-Sybian.  Decisions that affected the lives of subjects in ancient empires were made over orgies.  Business deals have been done over the catwalk at a strip club.  What’s stopping any important discussion from taking place between two men and a sex-simulating… well, box?  Besides, I gather from the picture that this machine may probably include dildos.  I leave that to your imagination.

Of course, all men who do masturbate are quite familiar with the texture, dimensions, and pressure of their own hands, and I am extremely confident that the male hand can never simulate the vagina (or anus or mouth, whatnot, what do I know).  Yet for something that simulates masturbation, I’d rather have that than this:

‘Nuff said.

5 comments on “Mechanical Animals”

    • Ade
    • September 10, 2009

    I think one end is supposed to be a mouth.

    1. Reply

      maybe it’s modular, so you can replace either end with the orifice of your choice.

    • Ade
    • September 10, 2009

    … I shuddered.

  1. Reply

    Ade shuddered in excitement

  2. Reply


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