Bawdy Bards and That Kind of Odd News

There are two things I like: odd news and schadenfreude.

GMANews.TV reports that last Wednesday, a couple became the talk of the town because of a documented case of penis captivus. You usually read about this malady on humor sites, or you probably watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, or you probably saw two dogs literally stuck to each other after the whole hump is over.  Sophomoric, crude sources of humor?  Probably, but it’s damn sure funny.

I’m sure that it’s not funny for any guy to have his penis literally clamped by the vagina of his kerida (hey, that rhymed)… although I’m betting that some guys wouldn’t really mind being stuck in sex for hours on end, never mind that the end we’re talking about is buried in a woman’s private parts.  It did get me thinking, though, about how these things lend themselves too well for borderline tasteless, gross, and vulgar humor.

So if you’re sensitive or what, if you don’t know what satire is, or if you just keep tossing it around like salads (or a used condom) stop reading right about now.

The news lent itself well to a limerick, at least:

There was a young man from Isulan
Who made love to a pretty young woman.
They got stuck to each other
For seventeen hours
And her pussy just choked on his organ.

Heck, it can lend itself to another one:

They rode to town in a blanket
Underneath they were both naked
They softened his penis
And for a big bonus
The nation just called them both, “Busted!”

That got me thinking; being just the kind of guy that I am, why stop there?  Why not take a whole Sex Pistols song, rearrange and play around with the lyrics, and have something that completely crosses the line set by a blogger who never curses in stuff he writes?

Friggin’ in the Riggin’

From “Friggin’ in the Riggin'” by The Sex Pistols

There were two secret lovers
Who loved to bang each other
At night they met, when she got wet
He screwed her like an auger

A two-timing old lecher
He was a dirty fucker
And everyday, her legs she’ll splay
To take in his jackhammer

Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
There’s fuck all else to do

One day he gave her hickies
When she showed him her titties
Flapped out his cock, hard as a rock
And then she dropped her panties

At first they started boinking
And then some all-night fucking
No one knew ’bout the secret screw
How close they were to cumming

Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
There’s fuck all else to do

Hold on, give yourself bollocks!

They finished off their fuckin’
His dick started deflating
He gave a shout, can’t pull it out
Her pussy started clampin’

He tried to use his finger
He tried to fuck her harder
When that won’t work he went berserk
Her hooch choked on his boner

Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
There’s fuck all else to do

The juices smelled so sour
Afraid he’d be devoured
They’re both aghast they were attached
For seventeen straight hours

They can’t go out buck naked
So they went out in a blanket
Too tired to fuck, but oh damn luck
The doctors called them, “Busted”

Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
There’s fuck all else to do

They tranquilized his organ
Surprised it wasn’t broken
They made a vow no one will know
But then the news was spreadin’

The moral of this story
No matter how much you’re horny
Night or day, just stay away
From penis-eatin’ pussies

Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
Friggin’ in the riggin’
There’s fuck all else to do

OK, I’ll go back to my cave now.  Will I write something along these lines ever again?  Hmmm… we never know.

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