In Private Parts, Howard Stern made a reference to a guest on his radio show who can swallow a whole kielbasa. To the censors, the stunt “obviously” meant deep-throat oral sex, but to Stern, it was just the simple act of swallowing a sausage; it was one of those “believe it or not” things that have a “sexual connotation.” The woman did end up swallowing the kielbasa, but the stunt was just one among many woes Howard had to face in his radio career.
In the United Kingdom, though, kielbasa freak shows are the least of anyone’s worries, at least for the Advertising Standards Authority. Reuters reports that Kerry Foods, manufacturers of Matteson’s Smoked Sausages, is now under fire for “employing sexual innuendo” to advertise its sausages. Examples include:
- “Think about all the things you can stick this tasty, extraordinarily large sausage in.”
- “Mmm… Pizza, pasta, stir fry. You have any ideas? Give me a call and tell me where you like to stick it.”
I guess you would stick it in a frying pan. Or a skewer. Maybe when cooked, you would stick it on a bun.
I’ve always believed that censors suggest the very things they want to censor; if there’s any dirtier mind out there, it would be those who want to take charge and control our morals. I met a very religious man once who swore by the word of the Bible, but refused to acknowledge or teach anything from the Songs of Solomon on account of “porn.” I was half-expecting him to call me a Godless heathen Sodomite.
Thanks to the inherent sex-crazed maniac in every (sexual) watchdog organization on Planet Earth, I think that it would be impossible to market a sausage in a politically correct market. After all, you’re selling ground meat in a casing, which to the mind of the censor would have anything and everything to do with penises. In the Philippines, where no sausage is sold on TV (hotdogs are not sausages, they’re made of mechanically-separated meat parts, not meat), you’ll have a lot of problems to deal with. Descriptions, like:
- Malaman, natural na katas, mula sa pinakapino at malasang giniling na karne.
- Sa umaga, sa gabi, o simpleng meryenda. Siksik sa laman, almusal man o hapunan.
- Masustansya. Mataba. Abot kaya sa bulsa.
Can we describe our local sausage links in that fashion? Paging the censors.
POSTSCRIPT: If you’re a parent, yeah, I’m doing everything against my will to corrupt the minds of your heathen children.