My name is Måröchárîm, and I am declaring my intention to intend to run for the Presidency of the Republic of the Philippines in 2028. The gloves are off, the race is on. Yes, you heard me right: I am declaring an intention of an intention to run in 2028.
The bulk of you are fixated with 2010, so obsessed with it, that you don’t look beyond. The 2010 elections – and all elections that precede 2028 – are merely transitional governments that will lay the foundation of a new Filipino order. A foundation based on justice, fairness, and freedom.
But you don’t want that. You have heard that from just about every presidential aspirant from 2010 and back, and 2010 and beyond-a-little-under-2028. Where’s your justice? Where’s your fairness? Where’s your freedom? The Presidency has been trivialized. Criticized. Circumcised. Castrated. Spayed and neutered. In 2028, I am going to deliver what this Presidency needs: balls.
I am going to carry the balls of this country and dribble along the fastbreak of economic progress. A crossover into a politics of offense and defense. We will take shots from the line, and lay it up from the inside, and if need be, we will dunk the balls of the Presidency right smack to the goals of our nation.
I am a man with a plan. And every man has to have balls.
When I win the Presidency in 2028, my focus is on nutrition. I will put sin taxes on instant noodles, bromate-filled pandesal, and other unhealthy foods that have been force-fed to our people just because that’s what they can afford. No more processed foods for my people. I will level every redundant eyesore of a mall, and replace it with a community farm so that people will be able to grow their own food at very little cost.
When I win the Presidency in 2028, my focus is on employment. I am going to evict abusive tech support industries in this country because my people are not being worth chained to headphones and inhumane protocols. I am going to distribute the budget in such a way that we have enough to form a vehicle industry, an agriculture industry, and other national industries vital to the growth of our country. My government refuses to pay a single centavo of debt owed to the World Bank did not benefit from.
When I win the Presidency in 2028, my focus is on education. Everyone’s going to go to school for free. The national industries producing income and revenue for our country will pay for salaries of teachers, and classrooms and tools for students. College will be mandatory. We will encourage healthy dialogue and criticism in classrooms: no class session will be held in a lecture hall, and no onerous fees will be charged to any student under the watch of the Department of Education, which I will personally run.
The Måröchárîm Administration is going to put a stop to the injustices of people making anti-drug legislation just because they never tried it, or just because they are moralists about it. The Måröchárîm Administration will take the first step to legalize medical marijuana in the Philippines.
The Måröchárîm Administration is going to put a stop to Church meddling in affairs that define an individual’s right to free and informed choice. The Måröchárîm Administration will take the first step to legalize abortion in the Philippines. The Måröchárîm Administration will take the first step to legalize divorce in the Philippines.
The Måröchárîm Administration will take the first step to make corruption and incompetence in the discharge of Government duties a crime punishable by garrote. More that that, the Måröchárîm Administration will sponsor free pornography for the people.
And why is that? Balls, ladies and gentlemen. Balls!
Postscript: Marocharim was imprisoned by his reified alter-ego, Måröchárîm, in a concealed cell after Marocharim saw a trail of Snickers and Butterfinger bars leading to a place filled with free crane games. Marocharim managed to escape, attacked Måröchárîm with a nuclear bunny rabbit, and the world is safe from that diacritically-named maniac for now.