Today on weird news: crop circles have been found in Tasmania. The phenomenon didn’t prove the existence of advanced alien life-forms sending a message of universal peace, or the Tazmanian Devil. Lara Giddings, deputy premier of Tasmania, was quoted by Reuters in saying that the mysterious crop circles were caused by a bunch of wallabies who have been eating poppy seeds and hopping around in circles. In case you don’t know, chemicals from poppy are used to make opium and morphine.
I’d do anything to see a stoned wallaby, or a drugged animal for that matter. I’ve seen people do very weird things after consuming one too many space brownies or galaxy spaghetti. The most I got to see of drugged animals was years ago, when I saw two neighborhood dogs run around in circles chasing each other after eating angel’s trumpet flowers (or some patch of hallucinogenic flowering plants of some sort). It’s a rather amusing sight, although I turned away when they both grew erections and attempted to hump each other.
(Was Rocko ever drugged in “Rocko’s Modern Life?” Rocko is a wallaby.)
It makes me remember that chapter in Pearl S. Buck’s The Good Earth, where Wang Lung bought the land of the House of Hwang for the price of opium. It’s a very poignant reminder of the dangers of drug addiction – more than the confessional non-fiction misery literature books I’ve been collecting these days – but there’s nothing like the thought of a bunch of cute little marsupials running and jumping about fields of poppy seeds getting high. Caught beneath a landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky, or something like that.
This is why I think the global war on drugs is an epic fail: the wallabies are on to us. While we’ve been focusing on cocaine smuggling in Colombia and crystal meth “supermarkets” somewhere in Pasig, the wallabies have been gorging themselves on the very same seeds we use to decorate and flavor cupcakes with. The marsupials have been robbing us blind, getting stoned, and running the largest poppy seed cartel in the animal kingdom. Wallabies are more progressive than us, in terms of decriminalizing organic drug sources for recreational or medical purposes. There they are getting whack, and here we are sponsoring basketball pa-liga with at least one team of neighborhood junkies doing it to pay for marijuana. There they are hopping around in circles enjoying the freedom of Nature’s bounty, and here we are blaming Ecstasy for sex videos.
Yup, here’s an entire human population thinking that the crop circles in the poppy fields of Tasmania are caused by aliens. Between happy wallabies running around in circles and people panicking about alien invasions, I could use some of those poppy seeds to make up my mind.