If you’re like me, you spend much of your life in front of a computer or watching TV. I never really did anything as a kid except read, play computer games, and watch a lot – and I mean a lot - of television. If memorizing entire lines of dialogue from Cow and Chicken or Spongebob Squarepants aren’t enough, a broad knowledge of Pinoy showbiz chika is another. Heck, I grew up watching Beverly Hills 90210, Dawson’s Creek, and Melrose Place… so for all intents and purposes I’ve already watched Gossip Girl by matter of association.
No, wait… I do watch Gossip Girl. I still know Beakman’s World. I have watched The Crystal Maze, the original American Gladiators, and even abominations like Knights and Warriors, Scavengers, and of course, Battle Dome. Those make interesting ideas for the next X-Lists, but make no mistake about it, I practically lived all 23 years of my life in front of a TV set.
Yup, no playgrounds, no schoolyard games, nothing for this (literal) homeboy except TV. Save for that scary Chinese lady at RPN-9 who used a big scary cleaver while pushing around a hot wok, there were always the old reliable watchables at 3 PM. No, not Lovingly Yours: Helen or Shining Time Station, but infomercials. Mind-numbing, brain-burninating infomercials. The kind of infomericals that sell products that are either:
- So incredibly stupid that you wouldn’t even think of buying them, or;
- Make you so incredibly stupid that you buy into the gimmick, or;
- So incredibly stupid they’re so incredibly fun to watch.
We all know about the Total Gym, singing bass fish, and those 15-piece knife sets that always come with eight (not four, not six, but eight) steak and utility knives and a fillet knife that can fillet a fillet. See, guys, if a fillet knife cannot cut along the peel of a fresh tomato, it’s not worth the toll-free number on your screen. So are a lot of products “as seen on TV:” the only reality and truth that matters in this day and age is TV. Especially when they’re shown right after the 3 O’Clock Habit.
So, without further ado, here’s this week’s X-List of infomercials.