0h YeS.  I wIlL d0 iT.  I WiLl WrItE tHiS eNtIrE p0sT iN sTiCkY cApS.  NeVeR mInD tHaT iT’s CrUeL aNd UnUsUaL pUnIsHmEnT, bUt I’lL d0 It AnYwAy.

0h, It WiLl TaKe A wHiLe.  ThE dIfFeReNcE iS tHaT i’Ll WrItE iN tHe SaMe WaY i AlWaYs D0 WiTh ReSpEcT t0 SpElLiNg AnD rEaS0nAbLy G00d GrAmMaR, bUt i WilL kEeP uSiNg StIcKy CaPs tHr0UgH tHe C0UrSe 0F tHiS p0sT t0 pR0Ve a P0InT.  It WiLl Be AnN0YiNg.  It WiLl Be BuRnInAtI0N.  AnD i’Ll Be DaMnEd If I wIlL d0 tHiS aGaIn.  EvEr.

It SeEmS tHaT tHe BiG tHiNg Am0nG y0UnG pE0PlE t0dAy Is T0 wRiTe In InC0HeReNt, IrRiTaTiNg, BrAiN-bUrNiNaTiNg StIcKy CaPs.  It’S tHe “In” ThInG, I gUeSs.  TeXt MeSsAgEs, FaCeB00k StAtUs MeSsAgEs, PlUrK aNd TwItTeR uPdAtEs, Y0U nAmE iT.  It’S iRrItAtInG, iT’s AnN0YiNg, AnD iT iS aN eMbArRasSiNg InDiCtMeNt T0 ThE c0lLeCtIvE iNtElLiGeNcE 0F aN eNtIrE gEnErAtI0N.

LeT mE pUt ThIs In HaRsHeR, m0Re DeScRiPtIvE, dIsTuRbInG tErMs.  Wh0EvEr InVeNtEd ThIs Ab0mInAtI0N AnD bAsTaRdIzAtI0N 0f ThE bAsIc RuLeS 0F SyNtAx AnD cApItAlIzAtI0N sH0UlD bE hAnGeD bY tHe NeCk In RuStY rAz0R wIrE, dEcApItAtEd WiTh A dUlL nAiLcUtTeR, bUrIeD iN a DrUm 0F bUrNiNg SuLfUr, AnD sEt 0N FiRe WhIlE bEiNg Sh0T 0Ut 0F a CaNn0N t0 KiNgD0M c0mE.  AnD i H0Pe ThAt ThE iNc0NtInEnT h0UnDs 0F tHe AfTeRlIfE w0UlD uRiNaTe 0N tHe AsHeS, t00.

BaCk In GrAdE sCh00l, We WeRe AlL tAuGhT tHaT cApItAliZaTi0N sH0uLd 0NlY bE uSeD (iN gEnErAl; ThErE aRe ExCePtI0Ns) iN f0Ur InStAnCeS:

  • FiRsT lEtTeRs 0f SeNtEnCeS. ThE cApItAl LeTtEr DeN0TeS tHe BeGiNnInG 0F a SeNtEnCe, MuCh LiKe A pErI0D dEn0TeS tHe EnD 0F a SeNtEnCe.
  • AcRoNyMs. M0St AcR0NyMs ArE cApItAlIzEd By C0nVenTi0n, aLtH0Ugh S0Me AcR0nYmS mAy Be WrItTen In “StIcKy CaPs” iF iT c0nTaInS tHe PrEp0SiTion “0F.”
  • Pr0pEr N0UnS. NaMeS 0F pE0PlE, pLaCeS, m0NtHs, 0cCaSi0nS, h0LiDaYs, AnD tHe LiKe ArE aLwAyS cApItAlIzEd.
  • EmPhAsIs. In S0mE iNsTaNcEs, CaPiTaLiZaTi0n MaY bE uSeD aS a P0EtIc 0R lItErArY lIcEnSe.  CaPiTaLiZiNg An EnTiRe W0Rd 0r WrItInG a SeNtEnCe iN aLl CaPs MaY iNdIcAtE QuAlItIeS lIkE pItCh, T0Ne, AnD v0IcE.

ThEsE aRe N0T c0MpLiCaTeD rUlEs T0 F0Ll0w.  AnY kId In GrAdE 0Ne WiLl ImMedIaTeLy GrAsP tHe RuLeS 0F cApItAlIZaTi0n.  YeT iT sEeMs ThAt StIcKy CaPs ArE uSeD t0 gIvE aN aDdEd StYlIsTiC eLeMeNt T0 WoRdS aNd PhRaSeS.  StIcKy CaPs ArE “cUtE,” pErHaPs EvEn “Y0UtHfUl” 0r S0MeThInG lIkE tHaT.  “StYlE,” s0 tHeY cLaIm… If 0nLy StIcKy CaPs ArE n0t S0 InNaTeLy StUpId, InAnE, AsInInE, aNd IrRaTi0NaL.

F0R 0Ne, It TaKeS t00 MuCh TiMe T0 WrIte ThInGs In StIcKy CaPs.  ThErE’s T00 MuCh WaStEd M0VeMeNt PrEsSiNg “ShIfT,” 0R cHaNgInG cAsEs 0N a CeLlPh0Ne.  It TaKeS t00 L0Ng, WhIcH dEfIeS tHe L0GiC 0F wHy We WrItE iN tHe FiRsT pLaCe.  F0R tWo, It’S dIfFiCuLt T0 ReAd; tHe C0NvEnTi0Ns ExIsT bEcAuSe A cLeAr SeT 0F rUlEs MaKe ReAdiNg TeXt EaSiEr.  F0R tHrEe, ThEsE rUlEs AnD c0nVeNtI0Ns ArE tAuGhT s0 EaRly In LiFe F0R tHem T0 Be SeC0Nd NaTuRe.  StIcKy CaPs Go AgAinSt EvErY sEnSiBiLiTy F0UnD wItHiN tHe ReAlM oF c0Mm0N sEnSe.

C0NsIdEr ThIs: A gRaDe 0nE sTuDeNt CaN wRiTe BeTtEr ThAn S0Me0Ne Wh0 UsEs StIcKy CaPs 0N a ReGuLaR bAsIs.  ThAt’s N0T c00l; ThAt Is An EmBaRrAsSmEnT.

We D0N’t GeT gRaMmAr PeRfEcT aLl ThE tImE.  We ArE n0t ExPeCtEd t0 gEt SyNtAx AnD sTrUcTuRe PeRfEcT aLl ThE tImE.  ThAt’S wHy We LeArN bY d0iNg, AnD tHaT’s WhY wE peRfEcT bY pRaCtIcInG.  It’S n0T aS mUcH aS sTiCkY cApS bEiNg J0L0Gs 0R aNyThInG, bUt Is A bLaTaNt DiSrEgArD f0R tHe RuLeS: aN 0UtRiGhT rEfUsAl T0 LeArN.  LiKe ArIsT0PhAnEs SaYs: “Y0UtH aGeS, iMmAtUrItY iS 0UtGr0Wn, IgN0RaNcE cAn Be EdUcAtEd AnD dRuNkeNnEsS s0bErEd, BuT sTuPiD lAsTs FoReVeR.

I’m N0T a GrAmMaR nAzI, aNd I’m N0T a MaStEr 0F tHe EnGlIsH lAnGuAgE.  ThE p0iNt HeRe Is T0 ReSpEcT tHe LaNgUaGe En0UgH t0 UsE iT tHe BeSt WaY y0U kN0W h0W, t0 GeT rId 0F tHe BaD hAbIt As S00n As P0SsIbLe.  It CaN’t GeT w0rSe ThAn StIcKy CaPs, WhErE s0mEtHiNg S0 BaSiC, s0mEtHiNg S0 ElEmEnTaRy As ThE rUlEs 0F cApItAlIzAtI0N, aRe StUpIdLy IgN0ReD.

VeNdEtTa Up0n StIcKy CaPs.