Like all holidays, Valentine’s Day means many different things to many different people. While there is a historical basis for Valentine’s Day, there’s no better way (at least for me) to explain this crock of shit called Valentine’s Day than with a good old-fashioned conspiracy theory.
Something off the pages of doomsday prophets and political extremes… something completely unsubstantiated, but believable and plausible.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the terrorist organization: “XOXO.”
I sent a team of plush monkeys – all specializing in covert operations and espionage – to uncover what they can of the conspiracy that is XOXO. The secrets they have unearthed are rather disturbing.
XOXO is a terrorist organization with strong connections (and probably funding) with the international military-industrial complex. XOXO is an extremist organization that pushes forth the consumerist agenda and a culture of commercialization by any means necessary. XOXO is not above – and perhaps advocates, supports, and finances – the following:
- Violence. XOXO is not above leaving children home alone on Valentine’s Day. They also uphold non-consensual sex, rape, and slapping the living hell out of your significant other. For some cells of the XOXO, self-mutilation, emotional torture, and suicide are even encouraged.
- Unprotected and unhygienic sexual practices. Forget nuclear weapons and other WMDs: XOXO has perfected biological war through the exchange of bodily fluids. XOXO has made biological weaponry out of saliva, semen, and vaginal fluid, causing incidences of sexually-transmitted illnesses to increase dramatically over the past decade.
- Economic sabotage. Traffic, overspending, sales, and conspicuous consumption of non-essential goods like flowers and Valentine’s Day cards all contribute to XOXO’s global conspiracy to send entire economies into collapse. The plush monkey team tells me that many economists choose to ignore this because of their own connections with XOXO.
- War technology. Every February 14, high-level XOXO operatives send low-frequency radio signals that target specific zones of the human brain, transmitted through satellites, the Internet, phones, and greeting cards.
The organizational hierarchy of XOXO is not clear to the plush monkey probe team, although it is clear that XOXO is very loosely organized. Groups in XOXO are very fluid, and include the following in its cells:
- Friend groups going out on February 14th.
Every date, dinner by candlelight, and heart-shaped balloon sold and used today is implicit financial support to Osama Bin Valentines. If you have a date tonight, the terrorists are winning.