Based and inspired from Rom’s entry; it’s R-18 if you decide it to be. I am putting this “More” tag early to avoid more e-mails from angry parents who tell me I suck and I blow at the same time. This is an entry that will elucidate the absence of my sex life.
This is as much profanity as you’re going to get from me. – Marocharim
There are a lot of things I don’t know. Sex happens to be one of them.
Me and my parents never really had a “birds and the bees” talk when I was a kid. It wasn’t that my parents were conservative – my dad always made reference to dick jokes – I suppose that I never really gave much though to sexual intercourse. Among my friends, I hold the dubious distinction of being undersexed.
Never had sex is one thing among 23 year olds. Never been kissed is another matter. Over the course of a three month relationship with my ex four years ago, I got one – yes, one – peck on the cheek.
“Do you even masturbate?” a friend of mine asked. Well, not really; to use Biblical metaphor, I find nothing fascinating about the many ways to stroke the staff and get the rocks to spew forth life, so to speak. Parting the red sea is another thing.
Diddling with my dong has never been fascinating, owing to the knowledge that I’m technically just fucking my hand. You’re only proud of masturbation when you’re in elementary school, where “tikol” is still a funny word. When you’re my age, “jackol” is extremely humiliating; for all intents and purposes, you’re turning your hand into the analogue of a vagina. Or an anus. Or a mouth. Nostrils, if that’s your thing. That’s nothing to be proud of.
Methinks that masturbation can only be enjoyed if you have an idea of what an orifice feels like. I haven’t been poking around other pootie ever since I hit puberty, and porn is a very bad resource for carnal knowledge. Lesbian porn never gets old, but watching erratic (not erotic) movements of penises and hairy man-ass, along with the sounds of grunting men mouthing orgasms in animalistic onomatopoeia, doesn’t appeal to me. Porn is bad reference.
I can only imagine:
OK honey, lemme just get off here and pause the video at 2:34… Oh, there you go. To do 69, you have to lie on top of me in a prone position. My tongue will have to reach your clitoris, while you proceed to suck my glans. OK, here we go.
Getting free MPEG previews from porn sites eventually gets stale. The juicy bits are in them sex story sites that sometimes offer carnal, graphic descriptions of sexual intercourse that tackle everything taboo. Then again, it’s kind of difficult to read onomatopoeia. Besides, metaphorical expressions about power tools, construction equipment, living objects, and other euphemisms about penises don’t appeal to me.
I can sort of imagine the same scenario in terms of Internet text smut:
OK honey, lemme just get off here and scroll down at this fascinating story… Oh, there you go. Your body as perfect as an alabaster statue will have to lie on my muscular, sweaty form. My snake-like tongue will locate and stimulate your love button, while you proceed to pleasure my piledriver. OK, here we go.
“Pleasure my piledriver…” it kind of makes me wonder. At the end of the day, I’m not any less of a human being just because I never had sex. Yet. I don’t know what would happen if a naked supermodel just approached me right here and now and demanded my rhinoceros to gore its way through the Serengeti (oh good heavens) or have my 24-inch python run wild on her (tucking it down your sock takes practice)… OK, that was just gross.
That, my friends, is why I’m a lyrics translator who writes politics. I am SO not a sex machine.