You kind of figure that four years of The Marocharim Experiment (yes, TMX was first written November 9, 2004) should be celebrated in the grand manner: like some thoughtful, inspirational post.
Like talking about responsibility, how much times have changed, like how important it is for us to stand up for what we believe in no matter what the cost, no matter what that is. That we should stand up for what’s right because we write about it. That we’re more important than what we know and what we believe, but we should keep our feet planted firmly on the ground, knowing that all of this is temporary.
There endeth your one-paragraph summary of what blogging means to me. Anyway…
One of my favorite moments in “Iisa Pa Lamang” (shit, I’ll actually write about this) was when Isadora caught – yes, caught – the grenade aimed at Sophia by Marco the Psycho. Like a lot of people, the reason why I so heart IPL are one-liners; where else would you have dialogue like that?
There’s this hypothesis that translation is an epic fail because when you come to think of it, Filipino is more dramatic than English. In the tradition of TMX, let’s put that hypothesis to the test.
I’ve taken the liberty of translating IPL lines not for the sake of science, but just because after four years of hypothesizing, testing, and concluding… I just want to annoy you.
Isadora: Ang kapal ng mukha mo! Wala kang utang na loob, ha? So paano, pera-pera na lang? Hindi mo ba naisip na kinuha kita galing sa bundok, binihisan at nakatikim ka ng corned beef dahil sa akin, ha?
* * *
Translated Isadora: You thick-faced scum! You’re nothing more than an ingrate. So, it’s all about the money now? Haven’t you even thought that I picked you down from the boondocks, clothed you, and you even tasted corned beef because of me?
Oh yeah. Evil! I’ll never look at corned beef the same way again. But really, “thick-faced scum?”
But like many anti-Katherine folk, I prefer my dialogue and retorts… bitchy. Like the knock-out bitch herself, my new hero and certainly yours, Scarlet dela Rhea:
Katherine: Ikakasal na ako sa isang disenteng lalaki. Hindi na ako dapat nagpapa-eskandalo sa mga babaeng sinasapian ng asong ulol, dahil sa selos. Kung gusto mong magkalat ng rabies, wag dito!
Scarlet: Hahaha! Ako, parang asong ulol? Huwag kang mag-alala Katherine, dahil hindi ako ang sasagpang sa iyo kung hindi ang mga preso sa correctional na gustung-gusto ang mga tisay na katulad mo. Hinihintay ka na ng selda mo.
* * *
Translated Katherine: I’ll be married to a decent man. I don’t have to be scandalized by women bitten by rabid dogs just because of jealousy. If you want to spread your rabies, do it somewhere else.
Translated Scarlet: Hahaha! Me, a rabid dog? Don’t worry Katherine, because I’ll not be the one to hurt you, but the prisoners at the correctional who really like artificially-white people like you. Your cell at the block is waiting for you.
The “artificially-white” line is just there for purposes of a) I hate Katherine, b) it’s the Glutathione thing, and c) I don’t want to come across as a racist (boo-yaka).
Scarlet: Isa kang putik!
Katherine: Bago mo pansinin ang putik sa mukha ko, pansinin mo muna yang pusali sa mukha mo! Ang baho! Nangangamoy na!
Scarlet: Ang naamoy mo ang labi ng tatay kong pinagmumultuhan ka dahil sa kababuyan mo!
Katherine: Umalis ka na sa trono mo, dahil nagbalik ang tunay na reyna!
* * *
Translated Scarlet: You’re a piece of dried mud!
Translated Katherine: Before you ever lay eyes on the mud on my face, you better take a good long look at the herpes on your face. They stink! They’re starting to smell!
Translated Scarlet: What you smell is the specter of my father who’s now haunting you because of your tomfoolery!
Translated Katherine: Step down from your throne, for the one true Queen has returned.
Tomfoolery? Herpes? It’s hard to translate “kababuyan” and “pusali.” Besides, there’s a difference between mud (“putik”) and feces (“tae”).
Can living Isadora be more evil than new-and-improved evil bopis? Yowza!
Isadora: Sa lahat ng mga namatay, ikaw lang ang pinagsindi ko Rolando. Walang hiya ka, ang lakas mo sa akin! O siya, hanggang dito na lang Rolando, at baka matunaw pa ako sa harap ng birhen. Rest in peace na lang.
* * *
Translated Isadora: Of all those who have died, you’re the only one I lit a candle for, Rolando. You shameless excuse for a man, you really have an edge on me. Oh well, I have to go, Rolando. If I stay longer, I’ll probably melt in front of the Virgin Mary. Rest in peace.
Sounded kind of tame; I would have rather have had it that Isadora shoved the candle up someone’s ass, lit it, and laughed.
Scarlet: Excited? Alam mo bang mas excited pa akong magpunta ng dentista at magpa-root canal kesa ang makaharap ka?
Isadora: Ikaw naman, nagpapaka-funny. Kung ang lahat na bulok na ngipin ay kasing-ganda ko, o di wala nang bibili ng toothpaste. I’m so witty.
* * *
Translated Scarlet: Excited? Don’t you know I’m much more excited to go to the dentist and have a root canal just to see you right in front of my face?
Translated Isadora: Come on, you’re trying to be funny. If all the rotten teeth in the world look as beautiful as me, no one will bother buying toothpaste. I’m so witty.
Well that sounded odd.
Katherine: Anak ka nga talaga ni Isadora, nakuha mo lahat sa kanya. Mata-pobre, mayabang, at higit sa lahat, bastos!
Sophia: Don’t you dare say bad things about my mother! Kumpara sa ‘yo, anghel ang ina ko!
Katherine: Anghel na may sungay!
Sophia: Oo, may sungay. Para suwagin ka! Para mauna ka na sa impyerno!
Katherine: Hmmm… Matagal-tagal na kayong inaantay doon. In fact, balita ko, si Satanas mismo ang sasalubong sa inyong mag-ina!
* * *
Translated Katherine: You really are the daughter of Isadora, you took everything you are from her. Condescending, boastful, and most of all, you’re ill-bred!
Translated Sophia: Don’t you dare say bad things about my mother! Compared to you, my mother is an angel!
Translated Katherine: An angel with horns!
Translated Sophia: Yes, horns. To haunt and destroy you! For you to go to Hell first!
Translated Katherine: Hmmm… Your descent to Hell is long overdue. In fact, a little birdie talked, and Satan himself will meet you there!
Sounded too much like Star Wars. I was thinking “horny angel,” actually.
Katherine: Iba na ang sitwasyon ngayon Isadora. Marami akong pera, kaya ko nang bilhin ang kahit na ano. Kahit ikaw, magkano ka ba?
Isadora: Hayop ka! Kahit kelan hindi mo ako mabibili, at hindi mo ako kayang bilhin!
Katherine: Sa bagay, ayoko sa ‘yo! Mumurahin ka eh! Pero yung anak mo ibebenta mo ha? Sige na! Promise, hindi ako tatawad. Kahit used goods na, OK lang. Pag-isipan mo.
* * *
Translated Katherine: Times have changed, Isadora. I have a lot of money now, I can buy anything I want. Even you. What’s your price?
Translated Isadora: You animal! You will never buy me ever, and you can never put a price on me!
Translated Katherine: Oh well, I don’t want you anyway! You’re cheap! But your daughter, you’ll have to sell her, OK? Please. Promise, I won’t haggle a bargain. I’m OK with used goods. Think about it.
“You animal?” Really? That’s a line I would expect from bad porn, not from a soap opera with too many lines that sound like porn.
Katherine: Ako bang pinariringgan mo? Kung ayaw mo sa akin, simple lang naman eh: di umalis ka!
Scarlet: Ako pa talaga ang pinalayas mo? Kahit saan tayo makarating, sampid ka lang! At ako ang tunay na Dela Rhea!
Katherine: Bakit? Sino bang nagsabing “mixed breed” ka?
Scarlett: Ikaw ba, totoong nagdadalamhati ka? Kasi napansin ko, kaya mong mag-biro. Kaya lang ang corny mo! Anyway, gusto ko lang malaman mo na lahat nang ‘to, hindi ‘to permanente. Lahat nang iyan, babawiin ko iyan sa ‘yo!
Katherine: Sige! Maglaro tayo! Agawan ng yaman! Pero kung ako sa’yo, kakabahan ako, kasi ako sanay sa hirap. Eh ikaw?
* * *
Translated Katherine: Are you trying to tell me something? If you don’t want me around, it’s simple, really: go away!
Translated Scarlet: You’re telling me to go away? No matter where you go, you’ll always be a coattail-rider! And I am the real Dela Rhea!
Translated Katherine: Why? Whoever said you were a mixed-breed?
Translated Scarlet: How about you, are you indeed mourning? ‘Coz I just noticed, you can crack a joke. But your jokes are so lame! Anyway, I want you to know that all these, they’re not permanent. Everything you have, I’ll take back!
Translated Katherine: Fine! Let’s play the game! Let’s take each other’s riches! But if I were you, I’ll tremble in fear, because I’m used to poverty. How about you?
“It’s simple, really” is an inside joke.
So far, you can tell that if IPL was in English, it wouldn’t be so dramatic. Nail in the coffin:
Scarlet: Gusto kong makita na luluhod ka sa harapan ko at magmamakaawa ka na tanggapin kita ulit!
Miguel: Kumain ka na! Gutom lang yan!
* * *
Translated Scarlet: I want to see you kneel down in front of me and beg for me to take you back!
Translated Miguel: Eat already! You’re just hungry!
I dare you to tell me that doesn’t sound remotely pornographic.