ADDENDUM, Sept. 14, 2008: Angela Stuart-Santiago wrote yesterday about Senate Bill 2464, a.k.a. the new anti-obscenity bill. So I kind of figured that this post is my little act of waving my private parts on that wank-rag of a censorship bill.
In Yahoo! News oddball reports today: Hong Kong TV news reporter Chiu Yu-Kit, former news reporter for Asia Television, was arrested for masturbating naked while he was alone on the top tier of a double-decker bus. Chiu got caught on July 31 by a police officer who was jogging past the bus, and saw him standing on a seat naked, facing a window. Chiu’s defense: he was only trying to “release his stress.”
I think you know where I’m going with this…
Before you start cocking your eyebrows, I think that the man is, in fact, thinking straight. I’m sure that there are many other ways to relieve stress, but 99% of men out there will agree with me that masturbation is a great stress-reliever. Sometimes you need get a grip on reality, make the needed strokes, and gush forth about the strains of daily life. You know what they say about life: you have to give it that extra inch… so to speak.
Although I don’t recommend taking off your clothes inside a bus, and jack off like your life depended on it.
What makes me wonder is why Chiu took off all his clothes just to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh. Or how he did it: the crazy hurly-burly of being a Hong Kong TV news reporter shoving microphones in the face of famous people all day can get really taxing. I’m sure that the One-Handed Pump didn’t do it for the guy, and I’m certain the Stroke-and-Pull did not do it either. If you’re going to take off your clothes and masturbate on top of a double-decker bus while standing on a window seat, it’s a choice between the Slap-Trap-and-Roll, the Spit-and-Shine, and the old reliable 7-10 Split would do nicely.
If you do need to masturbate in public, the norm is to keep your clothes on. Like put one hand in your pocket. Or open your fly. Or there’s the expert level: jiggle your leg (with what leg… it depends on how your penis hangs). I guess Chiu must be so stressed out that he decided to take off all his clothes and (oh boy) play Guitar Hero.
It also makes me wonder how stressing Chiu’s job can be. I can think of many stressing jobs in the Philippines alone that can blow the minds – and the nuts – out of people. It takes a bit of perversion to figure out how many commuters at EDSA would be so stressed that they’d take a page off (among other things) the Chiu Yu-Kit Book of Public Masturbation:
- Call center agents taking the inbound-outbound account
- Sales personnel bagging the groceries
- Computer technicians starting the boot sequence
- Accountants balancing the reports
- Maintenance personnel doing the sweep-and-mop routine
- SEO specialists building the links
- Writers checking if the pen is indeed mightier than the sword (I just had to put that in).
At least we know now why the people on the bus go up and down, why the money on the bus go ching-ching-ching, why the mommy on the bus says “You’re so sweet,” and why the daddy on the bus says “I love you.” The babies going “Waah-waah-waah” and the children saying “Let’s play games” don’t count.
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On a side note, I’m getting so sick of David Cook and “Always Be My Baby.” I think the guy should reprise another Mariah Carey hit, like “Honey” or “Heartbreaker.”