Crutch

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“Peace of mind” is a rarity these days.  Not only am I becoming extremely paranoid, I’m starting to really boil over.  Maybe six years of frustrations have built up deep inside of me that I deserve at least one sleepless night to think things over, to sort things out, and to just let it go.

Oh yes, I still am quite angry at some people.  I still can’t let go of a past I should have let go in the first place.  I still get the feeling that I’ve been screwed over one too many times that I can’t help but be an accuser for once.  I still get the feeling that the brunt of “injustices” in this world are passed off to my direction just like used condoms in a motel (sheesh, the metaphors).

At around 2:30 AM, it finally hit me: “injustice,” like “justice” itself, is a perspective.  I often complain that I’m too under-appreciated and taken-for-granted, that I should take my grievances somewhere to someone who would perhaps listen.  Then I realized how much time I wasted looking for reciprocity, for appreciation, for acceptance… so much so that I forgot how much is already in front of my table.  So much so that I forget about the apples already in my basket.  Isn’t that enough to be thankful for?

Sure, I made a few mistakes.  No, wait, I made a LOT of mistakes.  But I kind of forgot how many times, and in how many ways, I got up and took what’s coming, and kept on walking.  I kind of forgot how many times people tried to knock me down, and time and time again, I always clawed my way back up.

So yeah, I always made complaints about how many people didn’t help me when I was down.  I’ve always complained about how many people didn’t become my crutch, how many people screwed me over, and about “getting tired” when nobody “comes to my rescue.”  It took me a sleepless night to realize how much of myself was formed not because I was up, but because I was down.  Of how much of me smells like smoke because I went through the fire, not around it.  Of how much of me stands because I fell.

So I guess I can’t say I got screwed over.  There are too many blessings for me to count.

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