I like reading Friendster Bulletin Board surveys and “repost this” stuff. For one, people’s answers are kind of funny. Especially those love-related surveys. I got a “28 things” BB post today, and man, do I disagree with a helluva lot of them. So for today’s romantic experiment, here are 28 things most girls don’t know about guys, and why I think that this BB post is dead wrong.
This is going to take a while, so I’m waiving Rule #1 of TMX: write an entry in an hour.
1. Guys hate sluts even though they have sex with them!
Here’s the thing: all guys love sluts. Deep inside every guy’s head is the irresistable urge to have sex. Look at it this way: a rapist would sexually assault anyone from a possible FHM cover girl to an 80-year-old woman. Deep inside every man, there is a rapist-in-the-making. To many men, sex is a completely impersonal activity. Passion is something girls look for, but men don’t. Because of this, emotional factors like “love” and “hatred” don’t mean anything to men who have raging erections (figuratively and literally).
2. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
Like heck they do. First, “flirting” is a female thing: a guy who flirts is not a guy. Straight men will always steer clear of actions that will compromise their machismo, like hanging around with girls.
More importantly, girls: if you think that guys think of you before they go to sleep, you are so deluded. We men are faced with the burden of this patriarchal society as much as you women: when we sleep, we are confronted with problems like wages and the economics of things. In this patriarchal society, we are confronted with the challenge of changing the goddamned world by thinking of theories to explain humanity, the origin of the universe, and looking for the lowest and highest prime numbers in an infinite set of numbers.
3. Guys go crazy over a girl’s smile.
Oh please: that’s just a cover-up to what we really go crazy for. We go crazy for hot, tight, rockin’ bodies. We men have mastered optical deception: when we look at your faces and “admire your smile” or “admire your eyes,” we’re looking at your cleavage.
4. Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.
This is a woman thing: we won’t dress in our best clothes or expose our best assets just to get you girls to notice us. We play basketball games for two things: win the game because our coach is going to kill us if we lose, and for cheerleaders at halftime. We won’t jump off a plane with a parachute made out of a used condom just because we “want to be noticed.”
5. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest.
Here’s where I can partially agree. If you consistently rant and rave about how big your ex’s penis was, we would hate it: we hate going to the bathroom carrying a tape measure (but we do like it when we go to the bathroom carrying a ruler). But outside of sex, we like it when you talk about your ex: we take mental notes into the mistakes your ex did that we shouldn’t do. But we would really hate it if that ex is someone we know.
6. Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they’re still loved.
Maybe: we spend too much money on you girls that if ever we get married, we get entitled to beating you up for our money’s worth. Just kidding! But really, it’s often the girlfriend who needs the kind of animal-like reassurance that a dog needs to know that he’s still man’s best friend.
Look at it this way. You text us at 3:00 in the morning to ask if we still love you. You ask us all the time if we love you, and to appease your paranoia, we send you elaborate quotes just so that you would be appeased. All the reassurance we need that we’re still loved is to please give us a damn “Thank you” for that teddy bear-perfume combination we bought from the Blue Magic store.
7. Don’t talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.
We do like you talking about your guy friends. To men, having more guy friends is an advantage, especially when we want to expand the drinking circle a bit to cover the tab for an extra bottle of gin. So talk to us about your rich guy friends.
8. Guys get jealous easily.
I have to admit, we do. You girls look at hot men all the time, and we silently let it pass knowing that Jake Cuenca already has his own love triangle. But we look at hot chicks all the time: like I said before, we have mastered the art of optical deception. When we want to have a date with you on this nice restaurant, we’re really after the hot-looking waitress.
9. Guys are more emotional than they’d like people to think.
We’re not. FOR CHRISSAKES, WE’RE NOT!
10. Giving a guy a hanging message like “You know what?!..uh…nevermind..” would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he’ll assume he did something wrong and he’ll obsess about it trying to figure it out.
For all intents and purposes, we men are stupid (so much for solving the problems of humanity). We don’t jump to a conclusion: we don’t know the difference between “conclusions” and “concussions.” When you give us a hanging question, we’d rather let it pass than hang ourselves on our closets figuring it out.
More importantly: if a girl asks a hanging question, we men always have that stroke of genius that you did something wrong. Girls are more articulate with their feelings than men. So if you say “nevermind,” we already know that you’re having an affair.
11. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.
I have to agree with this one. All men court through text messaging: we don’t “talk.” We send you elaborate love quotes when we court you. When we are confronted with the demand to talk to you girls in person, we start stammering and stuttering like cows chewing cud… or something like it.
12. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
We men tease you girls for a good reason: because you’re tease-able. When we like you, we don’t talk to you at all: we admire you from a distance, source your cellphone number from somebody, and then we start sending you the text message-barrage of inspirational love quotes from Romeo and Juliet.
13. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.
I have nothing for that one because it’s true.
14. Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn’t notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.
Again, we men are stupid. So one small thing a girl does will not make us think for hours, we think for weeks.
15. Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy’s confused, then we’re all confused.
We seek advice from guys, all right. All men think the same way: the answers to the most basic of romantic questions is not found in advice: it’s found in drunkenness. If one guy’s confused, we’re definitely all confused: which means we’re drunk.
These days, we guys seek more advice from gays. Gay people have that unique situation of knowing both sides. We do this very, very discreetly: the least we want is to be spotted by our girlfriends talking to gay dudes.
16. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he’s just actually saying, “Please come and listen to me.”
Let me get back to the “we men are stupid so we think about sex all the time” theory: when we ask you to leave us alone, there’s a good reason for us to be left alone. One: leave me alone, because I’m with my guy friends and we’re talking about what it’s like to have sex with you. Two: leave me alone, because I’m with my best friend between my legs and I’m asking him what it’s like to have sex with you. Three: leave me alone, but I’m actually saying, “Please come… and please be honest about it this time!”
17. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn’t happen that often, so when it does, you know something’s up.
YES YOU SHOULD. When we men talk seriously, we have emerged from our usual stupid state and have fulfilled our intellectual duties to the patriarchal social orthodoxy. We have discovered some extremely important things: that the rings of Saturn will actually collapse because of the planet’s gravitational pull. That one can create a singularity with an eggbeater, three magnets, and an electric motor.
We also talk seriously when we have that inadvertent erection. By talking seriously, we take our minds off sex and will Mr. Happy back into his placid, flaccid state.
18. If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you’re with your boyfriend, he’s probably jealous and likes you.
Girls: stop inflating your own delusional idea of how much guys like you. To us men, it’s a matter of mutual respect: when our guy friend is with his girlfriend, we will give him all the space necessary to make your relationship work for the day. We men live by a macho sense of honor: as jealous as we may be, we just think of our friend and you having sex.
The mental image of our friend’s clenching ass is enough to rid us of all feelings of jealousy.
19. When a guy tells you that you are beautiful, don’t say you aren’t. It makes them want to stop telling you because they don’t want you to disagree with them.
Got nothing for that one because it’s true.
20. When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he’s definitely thinking something.
One: you’re extremely hot and we’ll wait for you in Maxim centerfolds. Two: we get so amused by that pimple on your nose, because it looks like Mars from a distance.
21. Guys don’t like girls who punch harder than they do.
22. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.
Let me rephrase: a naked guy has a lot more problems than you can see with your eyes. In architecture as well as visual art, there’s this thing called “single-point perspective.” Given any naked man, you would see some, uh, problems. Every man has problems with proportion, angular perception, and so on and so forth.
23. Don’t be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.
I don’t get it: why do girls keep underestimating men? Man, in his infinite stupidity, gives up only when he’s in the kind of rut that he cannot escape from. I have this theory that Cupid’s arrow is tipped with some sort of psychotropic drug that messes around with neurochemicals, thus inducing an obsessive disorder.
Really, men don’t get intimidated from girls playing hard-to-get. My suggestion to girls, however, is don’t test the shark-infested waters when it comes to men. The more you play to the Tantalus in man, the more you put yourself in all sorts of trouble with the guy.
24. Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.
How true. Nothing for that one.
25. Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.
26. If you are going to reject a guy, just do it. Don’t say they are like a brother or just good friends, it just hurts even more. Tell them that you aren’t interested in a relationship and they will respect you.
Really, this is the biggest piece of romantic bullshit I have ever heard. No woman will ever reject a guy in a straightforward fashion. To all guys, any independent clause that would lead to rejection hurts just as much as dependent clauses with all sorts of excuses or qualifiers. Ever watched “Just Friends?”
Besides, if you say you’re not interested in a relationship, the truth is guys won’t respect you and think you’re an third-rate economy-class sanctimonious bitch. Trust me: I’m a guy, so I know.
27. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.
OK, this is true.
28. When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.
Hell no! A guy sacrifices his sleep and health for better reasons than that… OK, maybe he doesn’t.