Tooth Sweeper

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   It’s been weeks since that intermittent toothache: in the words of Frank McCourt, I don’t know whether to shit or go blind.  So a thumbnail-sized x-ray of my aching tooth revealed the problem: I seem to have an impacted wisdom tooth.  I’m not counting on the possibility of an impacted and abscessed tooth just yet: for the excruciating pain that there already is in an aching molar, having two problems in one tooth is just too much.

   We’re not talking about a tooth that can be removed: we’re talking about a completely necessary tooth.  When I was wearing braces, I had two molars removed in order to fix my Timmy Turner teeth, so I need my remaining molars.  So my dentist opted to give me antibiotics and pain relievers for now, while he studies my x-ray.

   To be perfectly honest, I have had it with teeth.  If you spent as much time on a dental chair as much as I did, you would lose all appreciation for the value of your natural teeth.  I have had P60,000 worth of orthodontics and I still have overbite.  I’d rather have dentures: I like the kind of teeth that Tom Cruise has.  Then I’ll convert to Scientology and jump on Oprah Winfrey’s couch.

   Mr. Pain, however, is playing games with me.  One day my tooth is perfectly fine, and the next day I could swear the pain is tearing me a new anus on my gum.  I don’t know why pain has but to afflict one tooth: the pain is so concentrated.  Dante Alighieri never talked about a circle of toothaches in Inferno, but if there was, I’m thinking about confessing every sin of mine to the Pope himself.

   I have to stay away from a few of my favorite things, now that I have an excruciating toothache.  No potato chips, no soda, no corn nuts, no chewing gum.

   Curse this infernal tooth!

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