Daily Archives: January 14, 2008

Ego Songs

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   In the spirit of sending the emo genre to hell, I have an alternative: “ego.”  This is when you take the usual love song and sing it in the first person.  Since I’m lazy today after a dental procedure that involved analgesic, I’m posting some of these “transformed” lyrics, albeit just snippets of them.  Enjoy.

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Example 1: I find that “I Make Love To You” by Boyz II Men can be transformed into a perfectly good S&M song…

Girl relax, take it slow
You ain’t got nowhere to go
You’re gonna concentrate on me
Girl are you ready, it’s gonna be a long night

Throw my clothes on the floor
And you’ll take my clothes off too
You made plans to be with me
Girl whatever I ask I know that you’ll do

You’ll make love to me
Like I want you to
And you’ll hold me tight
Baby all through the night
You’ll make love to me
When I want you to
And you will not let go
Till I tell you to…

Example 2.  Like me, and if you’re a guy, you’re probably annoyed with Sean Kingston’s “Beautiful Girls.”  Probably because your girlfriend is singing it.  Here’s the ego version.

I am too beautiful, girl
That’s why it will never work
I’ll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over
Damn all you beautiful girls
I only wanna do you dirt
I’ll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it’s over…

Example 3.  Tamia’s “Officially Missing You” is the song of heartbroken fools who think they can’t get over their past relationships.  Maybe if we tweak it a bit…

All you do is lay around
Two ears full of tears
From looking at my face on the wall
Just a week ago I was your baby
Now you don’t even know me now
Don’t know me at all
Well you wish that I would call you right now
So that you could get through to me somehow
But I guess it’s safe to say, baby
Safe to say
That you (that you)
You’re officially missing me

Ooooh, can’t nobody do it like me
Said every little thing I did
Hey baby it stays on your mind
And you (and you)
You’re officially…

Example 3.  “Dreaming of You” by Selena is romantic and all, but it can be the perfect song for an egomaniac…

Late at night when all the world’s sleeping
You stay up to think of me
And you wish on a star
That somewhere I am thinking of you too

‘Coz you’re dreaming of me tonight
‘Till tomorrow you’ll be holding me tight
And there’s nowhere in the world you’d rather be
Than here in my room, dreaming about you and me…

Example 4.  Because James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful” is, well, pitiful, it is necessary to make an ego-boosting song out of it…

Yes I caught your eye
As I walked on by
I can see from your face that you were
Fuckin’ high
And you don’t think that you’ll see me again
But we shared a moment that will last ’till the end

I’m beautiful
I’m beautiful
I’m beautiful, it’s true
You saw my face on a crowded place
And you don’t know what to do
‘Coz I’ll never be with you

Example 5: Emo – the musical genre sang and lived by animal food trough wipers – is best represented by Fall Out Boy.  In “A Little Less Sixteen Candles,” I find opportunities to make it right for self-mutilating manic-depressive feces from the rectal cavities of baboons…

You confess, you’re just messed up
Dropping “I’m sorry’s” like I’m still around
And you know I dressed up
Said, “Hey kid, you’ll never live this down”

And I’m just the boy all the girls want to dance with
And you’re just the girl who’s had too many chances

OLPC

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   Back in high school, the class named “Computer” was more of an exercise in operating an overpowered cash register: at the turn of the new millennium, we were still running Windows 3.11 and learning the basic commands at MS-DOS.  In time, my school improved its computer structures and now has its own website.

   I advocate the general idea of “cyber-education:” the thing is, it is important to situate any kind of development into the proper frame of context.  In my view, what kept the Department of Education from implementing “Cyber-Ed” was not the inherent corruption in the National Broadband Network deal, but that the timing of such a priority was questionable.  At the time, it didn’t make sense to wire schools into broadband when there is a shortage of classrooms chronic enough that some classes are held under trees.

   Last night, I was watching a BBC World documentary on One Laptop Per Child, and it seems that the people of Africa are doing a better job at “cyber-education” than we are.  It makes perfect sense: free laptops.  I like the XO Laptop: while you won’t catch me blogging with one, or that no self-respecting high school DoTA player would even touch one, it is purpose-built to serve the purposes of cyber-education.

   If you asked me, the Philippine government would do well in recruiting the services of OLPC: this isn’t about laptops, this is about education.

Interview With A Dental Drill

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   I’ve sprained both my ankles, tweaked my left knee more than twice, I have migraines everyday, I have lower back problems, and broke my heart on two ocassions. Needless to say, I have an incredibly high tolerance for pain.  Surely, a toothache shouldn’t be that big of a problem.

   Break it down for us, Bill:

For there was never yet a philosopher that could endure the toothache patiently.

- William Shakespeare, “Much Ado About Nothing”

   For the past few days, I’ve been moaning and groaning not like a guy reaching orgasm prematurely, but out of pain.  Animal-like noises, to be exact.  No amount of painkiller or lidocaine patches can ever save me from the kind of excruciating pain on my wisdom tooth.  So my mom made up my mind for me: I had to go to the dentist.

   My dentist, a jovial middle-aged man who doesn’t have the rather acerbic tongue of my orthodontist when it comes to the sad state of my teeth, then started prodding around the tooth.  The steel hook-like instrument (which, strangely enough, is called an “explorer”) then came upon the cause of my toothache: a small cavity.  Like all dentists, he seemed to take delight in poking around the hole.  Then he decided on giving me a temporary molar filling for now to keep the analgesic in, and in two weeks it would be time to fill it with amalgamated silver.

   If you spent seven years or so in a dental chair because of braces, you would understand a thing or two about dentistry.  But believe me, the pain involved is easier said than experienced.

   Stupid homosexual tooth gnomes.