I don’t know if it’s an impacted wisdom tooth or a cavity, but I was literally screaming and writhing in pain early this morning. For all intents and purposes of metaphor, it was like I was being gang-raped by homosexual tooth gnomes. Gay tooth gnomes: had they been lesbian tooth gnomes, the pain would not have been that terrible (it would have been enjoyable, even).
I’m not saying that homosexual tooth gnomes exist. But coupled with a 15-degree Celsius temperature low, you can only imagine the pain of it. The pain was enough for me to start screaming like a pussy, like I’m being torn a new anus on my molar. And this was at around 4:00 AM.
At the verge of tears, I woke up to try brushing the pain out of my teeth, which didn’t work. Then I took Tramadol – emergency room analgesic – which didn’t work. I opened a bottle of Vodka Cruiser hanging around at the refrigerator, hoping that the mild alcohol would numb my teeth, or at least calm me enough to get some much-needed sleep. That didn’t work.
My mom woke up just in time to help me with my woes: she opened up one of them lidocaine patches and had me plaster it on my cheek. Then, in a strange twist, she actually gave me gin.
That, believe it or not, worked.