Monthly Archives: January 2008

The Black Mona Lisa

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   Though I had a high grade back in International Relations class (I think it was a 1.5), I don’t understand American politics as well as I should.  The United States, in my view, has one of the world’s most elaborate democracies: the two-party system necessitates that one should either be a Republican or a Democrat.  The popular vote doesn’t count: Presidents are elected through the Electoral College, with a very complicated delegate system.

   Even though I’m not an American citizen, I follow America’s road to the Presidential elections.  Now if I were an American, I would consider myself a Democrat with a liberal bias: I do believe in gay rights, I am pro-choice, I am for national healthcare, and the US troops should withdraw from Iraq to correct the budget problems brought about by the Bush Administration.

   Here’s what’s interesting: with John Edwards withdrawing from the Democratic nomination, the Democrats only have two candidates to field right now.  On the one hand, there’s a possible woman President in Hillary Clinton.  On the other hand, there’s a possible African-American President in Barack Obama.

   Now the “mature” and “fully-evolved” American democracy should ideally not bring gender or race in their politics, but there’s a first time for everything.  Edith Wilson became the first de facto American woman President in 1919, when Woodrow Wilson was incapacitated.  Geraldine Ferraro ran for the Vice-Presidency of the United States under Walter Mondale’s Presidential bid in 1984.  And Bill Clinton, while a Caucasian, is recognized in popular culture (by author Toni Morrison) as the “first Black President.”

   While we in the Philippines don’t have as much of a racial rift, we have experiences with woman Presidents in Cory Aquino and Gloria Arroyo.  Back in the school paper, I came under heavy criticism for an op-ed piece entitled “Mona Lisa.”  In that op-ed, which was about Dr. Ermelinda Roman assuming the Presidency of the University of the Philippines, I asked the question: “Is UP ready for a woman President?”  To many who read it, it was a “sexist” question.  But while there’s a “sexist” issue in Hillary Clinton, and a “racist” issue in Barack Obama, it’s important for the United States to ask if they are truly ready for the challenges that await American society if the Democrats win the Presidential elections.

   American politics, in my view, is still pretty much a field for white American males.  For all intents and purposes: yes, this is an engendered, racial issue.  This challenges not only the conservatives, but the liberals as well.

Oh, Angelina

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   I find myself extremely amused: in yesterday’s issue of The Philippine Star, the Kilusang Mambubukid ng Pilipinas (KMP) found themselves turned down by Angelina Jolie.  According to the article, Miss Jolie turned down the invitation by the KMP to come to the Philippines to check out the plight of internal refugees displaced by military operations.

   Point of amusement #1: I thought that lumping the “Entertainment,” “Philippines,” “Politics,” and “Sex” categories will not happen until 2010, or when Joey de Leon and/or Willie Revillame will file their candidacies for the Senate.  Point of amusement #2: it’s hard enough to score a date with Angelina Jolie, much less a political engagement such as this.  Point of amusement #3: she’s Angelina Jolie.

   The militants and progressives will probably hate me for this, but I find this extremely funny.  It is, after all, a time ripe for thinking about Valentine’s Day dates, and every red-blooded man would like to have Angelina Jolie as his Valentine.  I suppose that I could write Make-a-Wish right now and say that my wish is to have a dinner date with the star of “Tomb Raider,” “Girl, Interrupted,” and “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” on Valentine’s Day.

   Here’s a piece of advice for the KMP: in that long list of celebrities who can come to the Philippines at any time to speak out on the injustices of displacement, you need not look up at the Hollywood A-list.  Consider these options:

  • Jean-Claude Van Damme: the star of such films as “Jihad Warrior” and “Universal Soldier” is the perfect mouthpiece for military operations in the country.
  • Chuck Norris: the iconic Hollywood karate legend who starred in such films as “Braddock III,” “A Force of One,” and that commercial for Total Gym.
  • Steven Seagal: this Hollywood action hero who starred in “Under Siege” and “Exit Wounds” can speak out on issues of injustice with a voice heard by millions.
  • Michael Keaton/Kevin Costner: who better to stand for the issue of social justice than the very actors who played Batman?

   I know what you’re thinking: action stars who probably would have done a better job than Sylvester Stallone in the latest “Rambo” movie would not suffice.  The people demand Angelina Jolie, but consider the alternatives:

  • Justine Joli: former Penthouse model, star of “Barely Legal 50,” “Carnival Sluts and Circus Dicks,” and ”House of Ass.”
  • Aurora Jolie: adult film star, star of “Whattabooty 2,” “Bikini Booty Bounce,” and “Culos Gigantes 2.”
  • Ginger Jolie: former Hustler model, star of “Thrilling Stories of Chloroform Girls in Danger!” “Limo Confidential,” and “Secretaries in Bondage.”
  • Jenaveve Jolie: adult film star, star of “Latina Crack Attack,” “Tits Ahoy 3,” and “Cheatin’ Chicas.”
  • Ariana Jollee: adult film star, star of “Dripping Creampies 2,” “Best Deep Throat on the Planet,” and “White Butts Drippin’ Chocolate Nuts 3.”

   But let me get serious for a second: this isn’t about exposing the world into the injustices – perceived or actual – of displacement.  What gains are to be gotten in making Angelina Jolie a poster girl for the goings-on of displacement, when you can have somebody like Marian Rivera do it?  I think that the people, protected by the freedoms provided by the Constitution, are free to speak about the issues without having to use Angelina as a propaganda prostitute (although I think you’re free to do it with Justine Joli or Ariana Jollee).

   This, to me, is a matter of movements employing the tried-and-tired way of speaking out against the government: walking on a major thoroughfare carrying banners and burning effigies.  The Sumilao Farmers went the extra mile by walking from Bukidnon to Manila, and were subsequently imitated by other farmers’ groups.  Next thing you know, Tom Cruise will be preaching Scientology in Quirino Grandstand and Leonardo diCaprio will endorse a Presidential contender in 2010.

   Wake up and smell the roses, people!  Even movements that pride themselves about the issues now subscribe to the idea that it’s not about the steak, but about the sizzle.

House of Pain

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   Let’s get to the latest toothache news.  The good news is that it’s just a shallow cavity, and that there is no abscess.  The bad news is that based on the dental x-rays, my tooth is impacted on my mandible and is turning my mandibular nerves on haywire.  Or that this is a relapse of my old friend: neuralgia.

   So you see, this isn’t a simple toothache.  Even the most potent of my dentist’s analgesics don’t do anything to arrest the pain.  I’ve been popping mefenamic acid like crazy, and I’ve graduated to ibuprofen.  For all the Ponstan, Alaxan and Flanax in my system, I should fail a drug test by now.  Worse, the pain is spreading to my left side: the side once afflicted with neuralgia.  So I suppose I have every right to scream like a caged animal.

   I have a high tolerance for pain: other people cry over splinters, migraines, back spasms.  Not me: I bumped my head once on an iron rail, lost a lot of blood, and never shed a tear.  I’ve taken blows to my kidneys by standing on the wrong side of a door, and never let out a scream.  Heck, the day I lost my girlfriend, I cried three days after we broke up.  But this is ridiculous: I stay up all night screaming like crazy from the pain on one tooth?

Tooth Sweeper

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   It’s been weeks since that intermittent toothache: in the words of Frank McCourt, I don’t know whether to shit or go blind.  So a thumbnail-sized x-ray of my aching tooth revealed the problem: I seem to have an impacted wisdom tooth.  I’m not counting on the possibility of an impacted and abscessed tooth just yet: for the excruciating pain that there already is in an aching molar, having two problems in one tooth is just too much.

   We’re not talking about a tooth that can be removed: we’re talking about a completely necessary tooth.  When I was wearing braces, I had two molars removed in order to fix my Timmy Turner teeth, so I need my remaining molars.  So my dentist opted to give me antibiotics and pain relievers for now, while he studies my x-ray.

   To be perfectly honest, I have had it with teeth.  If you spent as much time on a dental chair as much as I did, you would lose all appreciation for the value of your natural teeth.  I have had P60,000 worth of orthodontics and I still have overbite.  I’d rather have dentures: I like the kind of teeth that Tom Cruise has.  Then I’ll convert to Scientology and jump on Oprah Winfrey’s couch.

   Mr. Pain, however, is playing games with me.  One day my tooth is perfectly fine, and the next day I could swear the pain is tearing me a new anus on my gum.  I don’t know why pain has but to afflict one tooth: the pain is so concentrated.  Dante Alighieri never talked about a circle of toothaches in Inferno, but if there was, I’m thinking about confessing every sin of mine to the Pope himself.

   I have to stay away from a few of my favorite things, now that I have an excruciating toothache.  No potato chips, no soda, no corn nuts, no chewing gum.

   Curse this infernal tooth!

Dick Heads

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   Like many people, I have a big problem with e-mail spam.  Compared to most people, however, I get more than my own fair share of penis-related spam.  Maybe it’s a consequence of penis jokes and sexually-charged blog entries.

   Here’s a short list of strange penis-related spam I got from my GMail account:

  • This is your thingy… this is your thingy on meds.  Any questions?
  • Bigger size means more masculinity!
  • Don’t feel shy about your penis size anymore!
  • A penis is a terrible thing to waste.
  • Your new schlong will win more prizes!
  • Reach out and bone someone!
  • Lengthen your male device and become sex hero!
  • Become a real man, increase your machine.
  • Hear her scream your name in passion!

   I know that these shouldn’t be taken seriously, but come on!  Do I really have a sizeable problem that I deserve all these penis-related spam mails?

   Worse yet… how do they know?  ;)

UP Centennial Product Ideas

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   Because 2008 is the Centennial Year of the University of the Philippines, selling UP-related stuff is big business.  Stuff for sale include UP t-shirts, UP jackets, UP planners, UP car plates, UP mugs, mini-Oblations, and so on and so forth.

   Here’s my problem: almost every UP student already has a UP t-shirt and/or a UP jacket.  Every professional jots down notes in a UP planner, drives to work with a UP car plate.  UP students and alumni drink coffee from UP mugs, and have the mini-Oblation in their curio cabinets.  And every important date is marked on a commemorative Centennial Calendar (the UP Baguio version is available from SayoteRepublic).

   Here’s the thing: I want more.  I think that if we, as a University, would really milk the Centennial out of everything it is worth, Centennial products should not be limited to commemorative stickers.  As such, here are my ideas for what UP should be selling as Centennial products.

Idea #1: Commemorative Portable Ashtray + Cigarette Lighter

   Remember when you could still freely smoke at UP?  Well, thanks to an administrative order, you can no longer do so.  However, you can still smoke with fond memories of UP by buying this commemorative portable ashtray and cigarette lighter.  The commemorative ashtray is specially designed to hold the ashes of two packs of cigarettes and their butts: an ecological marvel you won’t see in any other ashtray.  The cigarette lighter runs on biofuels, consistent with UP’s support of environmental initiatives.  A must on every smoker’s Centennial wishlist.

Idea #2: Anahaw-leaf jockstrap 

   Are you a fashion-conscious “UPian” who already has a UP jacket, a UP shirt, maroon jogging pants, and maroon rubber shoes?  Well, you can never be the well-rounded Iskolar ng Bayan without having your own piece of commemorative UP underwear!  Designed for the scholar-on-the-move, this jockstrap comes with a polyester anahaw leaf seen on the Oblation.  This marvel of clothing technology is designed for easy removal, especially for students who come down with incontinence on drinking parties and LBM on Hell Week.  It can also withstand years of careless washing by laundry shops.  Comes in maroon and green.

Idea #3: ”Captain Oblation” action figure

   Ever thought that Oblation was just a statue symbolizing freedom?  Heck no: when night falls, and freedom is threatened, Oblation breaks away from his granite skin and becomes Captain Oblation.  Possessing laser-sight, the power of flight, super-strength and super-intelligence, Captain Oblation searches deep in the night to fight injustice, oppression, and saves the world before 6:30 AM Varsity practice!  Now you can have Captain Oblation with you in this fancy new action figure.  Using the most advanced toy-making materials and the best in toy engineering, Captain Oblation action figures come with their own superpowers!  Batteries and accessories not included.

High School [dot] Com

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   Back in high school, we were processing spreadsheets in Lotus 1-2-3, typing documents in WordStar 7, and making databases in Foxrun.  Even having Windows 3.11 was a rarity in those days: the operating system of choice was MS-DOS 6.22.  This was at the turn of the 21st century: in the year 2000, the computers were upgraded to the earliest versions of Windows 95 and Microsoft Works.

   So you can understand my sense of relief, now that my alma mater – Baguio City National High School – has its own website (accessible here).  While I am disappointed with some bits and pieces of the website, I find it a bit weird: it took too long.

   Having been exposed to a more robust information infrastructure in college, I am of the belief that computer literacy is paramount in high school education.  The biggest universities of the Philippines – UP, Ateneo, de la Salle, and UST, among others – have information infrastructures that are integral to their other infrastructures.  For example, UP’s campuses all over the Philippines are connected to each other in one of the strongest connections in the country.  I am told that in UST, the wireless broadband grid goes well up into 1 GB of bandwidth, for a reasonable cost paid every semester.

   This was supposed to be the Department of Education’s “Cyber-Education” program.  However, the sad thing is that there are a lot of things about public schools that demand urgent attention more than computers and Internet connections, like classrooms, books, facilities, competent teachers, and reasonable teacher-to-student ratios.  But for urban schools, I think that strong information infrastructures are necessary for their graduates to stand a chance at university education.