La Lechon de Plaisir

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   This isn’t about that old French porn movie shown in MEGA that involved erotic acts surrounding cheesecake and French actresses play-acting and role-playing Japanese geishas in a lesbian scene.  Nor am I saying that you can make a Filipino art-porn movie that involves lechon.

   If anything, I like lechon.  Yet whole roasted pig can only go so far: there’s a certain limit to the consumption of it.  The crispy skin eventually degenerates into a chewy unappealing mass, and the meat becomes a chore to eat.  There really isn’t anything you can do to resurrect an appetite for lechon, when all there is to do after is to make lechon paksiw.  As such, as a holiday dish, it is overrated.

   Of course, I’ve been known to despise a lot of foods in my time: pizza, cake, banoffi pie made by chain restaurants, gourmet coffee, pancit canton.  Lechon should be served sparingly: piling it into your dinner plate is not only scandalous, but strangely unappetizing.  I wouldn’t have problems eating the head, however.

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   I have the feeling that this will develop into a sexually-charged entry.  A sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.  After all, I started it: on this day of days, of all days.

   I can’t get the image of making a pornographic film centered around the theme of lechon out of my head, but of FAMAS or MMFF material (the latter sounded so wrong).  Something like “Lechon de Leche,” perhaps.  I’m not talking about another gay indy film that revolves around “Brokebacking” the whole idea of lechon roasting, but the kind of bomba film that would draw dirty old men into dank back-alley cinemas and have another taste (so to speak) of the 80s.

   Films like “Kangkong” and “Itlog” were disappointing: water cabbage or eggs didn’t really develop as central themes in both movies.  What I’m planning to do with “Lechon de Leche” is to capitalize on the heat of the roasting yard, the stench of the pigs, and sprinkling in liberal amounts of raunchy, filthy sex.

   I’m thinking of the kind of dumb porno in Filipino sex films: perhaps a scene near a pit of smouldering coals, a kinky scene involving a roasting spit.  For those who like idiotic seductive scenes, I have plans for my leading starlet to dance with a crispy roasted pig and end up so oily, greasy, and dir(r)ty.  I even thought of some really, really stupid dialogue involving a jock selling the lechon and the starlet buying it:

Jock: Malutong.  Kaluluto lang.
Starlet: Malaki.  Mauubos kaya?
Jock: Mauubos yan.  Masarap ang sarsa ko.
[Jock and Starlet lock eyes, then have sex on the chopping block]

   And then there’s this:

Starlet 2: Pakitanggal mo naman yung bituka.  Gusto ko laman lang.
Jock 2: Sandali lang.  Kikiskisin ko lang sa loob.
[Starlet 2 and Jock 2 lock eyes, then have sex on top of the lechon]

   This will resurrect careers.  Or kill them.

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